I started out as a blow-up sex doll my father bought from a little porn shop in Santa Barbara, but I prayed really hard and a magic fairy turned me into a real little girl. This made things really awkward for my family, especially my dad. They’re all like super religious, but like most religious people, they’re also enormous hypocrites, so everything worked out alright in the end.
At least until now.
No one cares about Katy Perry anymore.
I was worried about those Japanese sex robots. You know how the Japanese love karaoke? It’s only a matter of time before they build a karaoke machine into a sex robot and BAM!–you basically have Katy Perry or Keisha or any of us really.
But it turns out I’m already obsolete. I guess I should be grateful I made it as long as I did. I am 34, which is almost triple the optimal age of a sex symbol according to Disney’s research department. I can still dress up in latex and hop around in little schoolgirl outfits, but it just isn’t as authentic as when a 13-year-old does it. They have tricks now to stunt their growth, like with Ariana Grande. Officially, she’s 25, but she still has the body of a12-year-old Filipino boy, and that’s exactly what their key demographic is after: 12-year-old Filipino boys in drag. That and Thanos.
It makes me feel ugly and enormous with my regular height and enormous hooters, and I don’t think the boyish haircut is helping.
What does the future hold for Katy Perry? Should I go back to my Christian Rock roots, or maybe try to star in a Hallmark movie?
PS: I can tell that people aren’t jerking off to me as much as they used to. I don’t know how I know, but I do, and it’s sad. I hope that the same thing never happens to you.
Dear Katy Perry,
First of all, sorry about New Girl getting canceled. Wait…was that you or Zooey Deschanel? Which one of you was in Elf? I’m not sure it matters. Anyway, you shouldn’t feel ugly. I designed all of my creatures to be beautiful in their own way. Well, everyone except Steve Buscemi. Believe it or not, not looking like a 12-year-old Filipino boy actually makes you even more attractive to some people. Not to Kevin Spacey or most Catholic priests, but to some people. So chin up, kiddo. You still have 2 or 3 years before you’re too old for showbiz, so make the most of it. All you have to do to get back on top is date a professional athlete. And when he dumps you, do something weird and embarrassing in public so people think he dumped you because you’re crazy, not because you’re old and washed-up. I suggest an NBA star towards the twilight of his career. One that recently took a pay cut and left his small-market team to play for a Championship contender. Off the top of my head, I can’t think of anyone specific, but you get the idea. Whatever you do, steer clear of stand-up comedians. Especially British ones. Oh, and don’t worry—you’re more robot than those Japanese sex robots could ever be.
p.s. Does it make you feel any better if people masturbate to pictures of Zooey Deschanel but think it’s you? I only ask because some women are apparently masturbating to pictures of Ewan McGregor as Obi-Wan Kenobi in The Phantom Menace while thinking it’s me. To be honest, this kind of turns me on—in a cuckolding sort of way.
Dear Ex Mrs. Russell Brand,
I don’t like to criticize The Man Upstairs, but only an idiot wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between you and Zooey. I mean, you have those glorious knockers, and she…well, not so much. You’re both very fuckable in your own ways, but I actually prefer your plastic-looking face to hers. It’s like your features were spray-painted on or something. And I love how your neck is just a perfectly cylindrical tube that doesn’t taper from your shoulders to your chin. These characteristics must be leftover from when you were a blow-up sex doll.
Anyway, I’d like to suggest an alternative to dating an NBA star. If you really want to get some attention, why not date me instead? It would certainly piss off your parents, although not for the reasons you might think. See, one time they tried to summon me to participate in a threesome with them, but I refused because they’re both nasty. They became extra religious out of bitterness, which is why most people become extra religious. But no regrets on my part, because if they weren’t bitter, then they wouldn’t have raised you in that stifling, repressive environment and you never would have grown up to be the rebellious slut you are today. So yeah—you’re welcome. Now what do you say I come down there and give you 12” of erotic terror? If you’re good, I’ll morph into a certain British comedian and let you violate me with a spiked dildo.
—Satan the Gentleman
Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to email@example.com, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.