Tag Archive: NFL
The Skull Island Times > NFL
H. Seitz
May 27, 2019
Divine Advice
Arby's Build-a-Bear Carl's Jr., Danica Patrick, Donald Trump, Gatorade, GoDaddy, Jeff Foxworthy, Jeff Gordon, Jesus Christ, Mike Helton, MLB, NASCAR, NBA, NFL, NHL, Satan, Victoria's Secret, Yankees
Dear DA, I noticed Trump has started putting up signage on his podium when he goes out to make a speech or do a press conference. It’s like I’ve been sayin’ all along: Trump is truly our first NASCAR president. Him and I are of a similar mind (and haircut), and this little idea is catching like wildfire. The NBA, NHL, NFL; hell, even MLB is starting to sell space on their unis. Even the Yankees. They refuse to sell the naming rights to their stadium for now, which has to make you hate them just a little bit less, but they’ll come around. Before you know it, Yankee Stadium will be the Google Thunderdome and all of their uniforms will be covered in patches for Arby’s, Build-a-Bear, Carl’s Junior and the like. I’ll betcha even Victoria’s Secret gets in on the act. Won’t that be something? Some 6’4” greaser…
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H. Seitz
February 1, 2019
Divine Advice
Gisele Bündchen, Jesus, New England Patriots, NFL, Satan, Super Bowl, Tom Brady
Dear DA, Not many people know this about me, but I’ve got a specially-abled twin brother living in my basement. Usually, he’s okay, but sometimes I have to chain him up. He goes really crazy over my wife and gets jealous about other things, too, like the Super Bowl. Honestly, I’m not too bright myself either after all those blows to the head. You ever have one of those days when you forget how to spell the word “cat”? Apparently neither do most people. After all these Super Bowls, my brother Dom Brady is going nuts. He’s demanding that this time, it’s his turn, and my wife actually agrees with him. I don’t think they understand how difficult my job is, and even though we’re identical twins, people are going to be able to tell the difference. Dom hasn’t been out of that basement in almost 20 years, and before…
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W. Domergue
March 19, 2018
Divine Advice
Gisele Bündchen, Jesus, NFL, Paleo Diet, Robert Kraft, Satan, Super Bowl, Tom Brady, Vladimir Putin
Dear Divine Advice, I don’t know what to do. My husband is probably going to get fired from his celebrity sports job and that will mean less spotlight for me. Do you know how many people watch the Super Bowl and Patriot games in general? Well of course you do – it’s a lot! I can’t imagine not being able to showboat on such a large platform. As you know, I gain my powers off feeling smug and superior this will put a major damper on everything I stand for. What else is there for me? I don’t breastfeed my kids anymore so I can’t tell be sanctimonious about that. Brigid Moynahan remarried and is actually happy so I can’t make fun of her and convince her son I’m better than her any longer. Chinbutt Tom won’t be working out as much anymore so I can’t put out ridiculous Paleo…
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H. Seitz
November 13, 2017
Divine Advice
deflategate, Derek Jeter, Donald Trump, Gary Johnson, Gisele Bündchen, Gronk, Jesus, Jill Stein, National Football League, New England Patriots, New York Giants, NFL, Rob Gronkowski, Satan, Southie, Super Bowl, Tom Brady
Dear DA, Like most people in Boston, I’m a diehard racist and closeted homosexual. It’s kind of our thing here in Massachusetts. I have to hide my racism and homosexuality because one is not politically correct and the other one is just wrong, but I figure I might as well be honest with you guys. I voted for Donald Trump and I continue to support him. And I get very little flack for this because I’m a handsome quarterback. Like handsome quarterbacks everywhere, I can get away with just about anything. If I wanted to beat my wife or my mistress or my secret gay concubine, I could do it in public on camera and maybe get a token two game suspension and a small fine. The same goes for my kids. I could beat them black and blue with a big stick and basically, nothing bad would happen to…
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