Tag Archive: Nancy Pelosi
The Skull Island Times > Nancy Pelosi
H. Seitz
September 13, 2021
Divine Advice
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, and Irene, AOC, Ben Shapiro, Chuck E. Cheese, Gattaca, Jim Carrey, Lollipop Guild, Me, Myself, Nancy Pelosi, Space Mountain
Dear DA, I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you! It’s recently come out that I’m only five feet tall. You’d probably think I was kidding, but you made me. Being a man this short is worse than the Holocaust. The last time I went out jogging alone, a cop stuck me on a school bus and the kids beat me up. Whenever I try to buy beer, the shopkeepers just laugh at me. I am 37 years old! A grown man, a big boy! Even with lifts, I top out at 5’3”. Maybe I went too far claiming I was 5’9”, but people lie about their height all the time, and if you’re going to tell a lie, go big or go home. My wife was carrying me home from Sabbath last weekend (my little legs get tired) and told me not to worry about…
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H. Seitz
April 19, 2021
Divine Advice
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Antonin Scalia, AOC, Capitol Riots, Chuck Schumer, Damn Yankees, George Washington, Hinduism, Iced Earth, John Wayne, Jon Shaeffer, Nancy Pelosi, Shiva, Strom Thurmond, Ted Nugent, The Duke, Thomas Jefferson
Dear DA, Jon Shaeffer, the frontman of the band Iced Earth, is the first to plead guilty to the Capital Riots. He’s also in the far-right group Oath Keeper, which honestly, I’ve never even heard of before. Have I lost a step? And please, be honest with me. I can’t help thinking that if this had happened 10 years ago, it would have been me pleading guilty to the Capital Riots. I blame the Damn Yankees. We’ve all gone broke and have been practicing for our “big comeback.” If I wasn’t so busy with those idiots and my stupid guitars, it would have been me at that riot, and that would have done more for my record sales than any pathetic Damn Yankees reunion. Does anyone even know more than one song by us? What I find the most troubling is that if I was off about this, maybe I’ve…
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RK Galaga
January 4, 2021
Divine Advice
Donald Trump, George Floyd, Jesus, Joe Biden, John the Baptist, Mitch McConnell, Nancy Pelosi, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Satan, Wuhan
Original graphic by Dixie Allan
Dear Divine Advice, Talk about pressure. I’m barely a day old and all anyone is talking about is what a dumpster fire 2020 was and how 2021 has to be so much better. Well I’ve got news for everyone. The date changing on the calendar doesn’t magically wash away all of last year’s problems. Sure, we have a COVID vaccine and a new president, but the government overall is just as dysfunctional as it was before and people are just as stupid. That means the distribution of the vaccine is going to be slow, and since the country is so divided, you have a bunch of idiots who don’t want to take it anyway. Pile on the fact that the economy is still shut down and will be for many more months, and you’re looking at a Baby New Year who’s likely to follow in his father’s footsteps. I can’t…
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H. Seitz
May 18, 2020
Divine Advice
Axl Rose, Baron Munchausen, Bucket, Chinese Democracy, Dr. Pepper, Head, Hillary Clinton, Jesus Christ, Knocking on Heaven's Door, Louise Linton, Mountain Dew, Nancy Pelosi, Roseanne Barr, Satan, Slash, Steven Mnuchin, Taco Bell, Tootsie Rolls
Dear DA, My entire life, I’ve been cursed. Right after I finished high school, they built a Taco Bell right next to it. Half the reason I moved to LA was for burritos. And I used to love Dr. Pepper, but I got into a fight with Dr. Pepper, so no more Dr. Pepper, and if you don’t drink Dr. Pepper, what are you supposed to get at Taco Bell? Mountain Dew? They have these disgusting energy drinks on tap now, too. I was never happy with anything or anyone or the world in general. Slash was okay, but I needed Bucket Head. Once I got him, I couldn’t stand him. I wish everyone except Bucket Head would wear a bucket on their head so I wouldn’t have to look their stupid blubbery faces. I barely graduated from high school, but at least I know what the American flag looks…
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