Tag Archive: Michael Jordan
The Skull Island Times > Michael Jordan
H. Seitz
August 9, 2021
Divine Advice
A-Rod, Alex Rodriguez, Batfleck, Ben Affleck, Harvey Weinstein, J-Lo, Jennifer Lopez, Jesus, Laura Bush, Lebron James, Matt Damon, Michael Jordan, Satan, Space Jam
Dear DA, Well, I’ve stepped in it again. A guy from Boston admits he says the “F” word, what a shocker! I admitted my daughter taught me it’s wrong (I still don’t quite buy her argument) and I’ve agreed not to say fa-the “F” word anymore. See? I’ve learned and grown, and people are still shitting on me. Thank God (or I guess You) I didn’t admit to all the other awful slurs I say on a daily basis. My main excuse is that I’m from Boston and I’m getting old. You say horrible shit for the better part of 50 years, it’s hard to change. Have you been to NY? I hear the n-word 10 times a day, people there say it casually, but none of them are Matt Damon, so they don’t get crucified online. There are other famous people out there who have literally killed people, where’s…
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H. Seitz
March 23, 2020
Divine Advice
Adam Silver, Charles Barkley, Jesus, Lebron, Magic Johnson, Michael Jordan, NBA, Rudy Gobert, Satan, Shaq, Tom Hanks
Dear DA, I’m filled with both pride and horror that the NBA is apparently more powerful than the mainstream media, the CDC, and state and local governments. A doctor in Seattle starts barking about this virus in January, and nothing. Crickets. Rudy Gobert goes down, and suddenly shit gets real, especially after I suspended the season. Trump supporters can ignore or deny a lot of reality, and Americans are used to America responding to outbreaks responsibly, so they just kind of take it for granted that either America is doing what it’s supposed to or it isn’t that bad. Until the NBA gets suspended, because when the hell has that ever happened? I can’t remember it ever happening before, can you? (Seriously, I can’t). So that must mean the virus isn’t a hoax, because the NBA, well, I’m familiar with it. So it’s time to start hoarding toilet paper. It…
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H. Seitz
May 6, 2019
Divine Advice
Alden Ehrenreich, Big Foot, Carrie Fisher, Chewbacca, Chewy, Emma Watson, George Lucas, Harrison Ford, Hayden Christensen, J.J. Abrams, James Earl Jones, Kenny Baker, Loch Ness Monster, Mark Hamill, Michael Jordan, Nessie, Peter Mayhew, R2-D2, Rian Johnson, Shaq, Shaquille O'Neal, Star Wars, Yeti
Dear DA, I’ve lived a long, happy life and all I had to do was dress up as Chewbacca every other decade or so. I didn’t even have to talk or grunt. All of those Chewbacca noises are combinations of lions, bears, and a constipated George Lucas trying to squeeze one out. You know that sad, resigned little wail Chewbacca does? That’s George when he looks down into the toilet bowl after straining for two hours and sees a turd about the size and consistency of a brown M&M. Another bit of Star Wars trivia: George played the black Ewok, and he sometimes filled in for Kenneth George Baker when the R2D2 can got too hot. Kenneth told me he sometimes found little brown M&Ms in there afterward, they were a bit melted but free chocolate is free chocolate. I never had the heart to tell him. Dying is never…
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Bridget McCrea
December 3, 2018
Divine Advice
Amy Adams, Burger King, Heath Bar, Kit Kat, Michael Jordan, Ryan Gosling, Whopper
Dear DA, I’m one of the whitest people on earth, and as a woke individual, I am totally aware of my white male privilege and try not to take advantage of it. But something strange happened recently that has me scratching my head. I went into a Burger King and the line was almost to the door. There must have been at least 15 people in front of me. After a quick scan, I determined that all of them were minorities. There were a few black guys, a couple Mexicans, and the rest of them were fat white women. So as is my privilege, I budged in front of all of them, and they started to complain! I explained to them about white male privilege, and that I only take advantage of it in emergency situations, like when I’m really hungry (I’m hypoglycemic, so it really was an emergency). I…
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