Tag Archive: Mel Gibson
The Skull Island Times > Mel Gibson
H. Seitz
December 23, 2019
Divine Advice
Angelina Jolie, Bernie Mac, Bob Iger, Chewbacca, Eddie Murphy, George Lucas, Ghost Rider, J.J. Abrams, Jesus, Jesus Christ Superstar, Lando, Lucasfilm, Mel Gibson, Mr. and Mrs. Smith, Nicolas Cage, Rey, Rian Johnson, Satan, Scrooge McDuck, Seth Green, Spielberg, Star Wars, The Devil's Advocate, The Mandalorian, The Passion of the Christ, The Rise of Skywalker, The Ten Commandments, Tomb Raider
Dear DA, A guy sells something for four billion dollars and it’s difficult to have much compassion for him even if he isn’t an asshole, let alone when he bemoans the reality of what he certainly must have seen coming. I sold Star Wars to a rabid, insatiable rodent, so what exactly did I expect? Did I honestly think that they’d follow my creative vision when they gave me four billion dollars specifically so they wouldn’t have to? Believe it or not, I did. That’s just the kind of narcissistic, egomaniac that I am. After all, if Star Wars is a religion (which it most certainly is), I’m the Holy Trinity. When they made The Passion of the Christ, did they shut you out of the creative process? Or just toss the entire bible out the window? Of course not. The Rise of Skywalker is credited to J.J. Abrams, but…
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H. Seitz
March 25, 2019
Divine Advice
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, AOC, Catholic, Creed, Cruise, Donald Trump, Evangelical, George W. Bush, Gerald Ford, Google, Jesus, Kevin Hart, Lady Galadriel, Mark Wahlberg, Mel Gibson, One Ring, Richard NIxon, Riley Roberts, Satan, Sylvester Stallone, The Expendables, Tom
Dear DA, Once I again, I’m the victim of the patriarchy. It’s ageism, pure and simple. They say I’m too young and I don’t know anything, but I’ve learned a few tricks from them. You may have noticed my new “glasses girl” look. Men are all perverts. If you’re a cute girl, anything you do is a fetish. If I ate a banana, I’d be “banana girl.” As “glasses girl”, I’m a double-whammy. I look smarter, and I’m also a fetish. People are pretty stupid to begin with, but if you sexually distract them, they become dumber than marionettes. As myself, I’m already a force to be reckoned with, but as “glasses girl”, I just might be unstoppable. Also, can you believe the nerve of that bitch Laura Ingraham trying to tell me how to pronounce my own fucking name? I’m not some pretentious hipster saying “Barthelona” instead of “Barcelona”,…
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H. Seitz
March 11, 2018
Divine Advice
Catholic, Christian, Donald Trump, Evangelical, Jehovah's Witness, Jesus, Mel Gibson, Mike Huckabee, Mormon, Pope Francis, Rick Santorum, Roy Moore, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, Satan, Stephen Baldwin, Tom Cruise, Tomi Lahren
Dear Jesus and Satan, As a devout evangelical Christian, I take the word of God literally. And God made Donald Trump president. That’s how a democracy works. So I take the word of Trump literally, or at least as a literal interpretation of God’s will. So automatically, whatever he says or does is what’s best for America. Because God. So whatever I say or do on his behalf, no matter how contradictory, inflammatory, or outright false, is actually a higher truth. I would ask why some Americans don’t get this, but I already know. It’s because they’re heathens. They haven’t had the evangelical training that I have, so they don’t understand God’s logic, and this frustrates me because God’s logic is so simple I can sum it up in two words: Because God. Why is abortion bad? Because God. Why should Americans have the right to unlimited firepower? Because God.…
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