Tag Archive: Kanye West

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Divine Advice For Cap’n Crunch

March 13, 2022 0 Divine Advice , , , , ,

Photo by Panatenda

Deary DA, I’ve been the captain of the S.S. Guppy since 1963, which is so long the years kind of blur together. I’ve seen war, plague, pirates, and monstrous ocean creatures only you could have conceived of. Still, after nearly 60 years of service, I get no respect. Yes, I only wear the bars of a commander, but that’s because I’ve been too busy for a fancy bit of stitch work. I should be an admiral by now goddammit! An Admiral! But make no mistake, everyone on my crew knows who’s boss. Insubordination is punished with the lash, and I will kill a man if he even hints at mutiny. My savagery is detested by some, but what you cereal munching fools have to realize is that the existential war for the American Empire is never over. I have sacrificed more than just blood, sweat, and tears. I have sacrificed…
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Divine Advice For Taylor Swift 2

May 14, 2018 0 Divine Advice , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Dear DA, I’m incredibly hot for someone who looks inbred. Maybe that actually adds to my hotness, the whole cousin-marryin’, age-of-consent-ignorin’, wish-there-was-still-slavery charm of the south. I know slavery is wrong, but it’s kind of awesome to have slaves. Nowadays we call them personal assistants, but most of them are unpaid interns, so technically, they’re slaves. I whip mine when they move too slow and a few of them seem to get off on it. Have you seen my video for Delicate? I do a split on the hood of a car like Tawny Kitaen. It’s awesome! I also run around NYC barefoot, which in real life would be suicidal. Anyway, I’ve had a lot of petty feuds. A lot of them. And there’s a saying, that if you run into one asshole, they’re the asshole, but if everyone’s an asshole, you’re the asshole. But in my case, I think…
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Divine Advice For Taylor Swift

September 11, 2017 0 Divine Advice , , ,

Dear DA, I broke my pinky toe, the doctor said it doesn’t need a cast and I can still walk around, no big deal. So I’m walking around my hood and I end up behind a guy with a mangled foot. I can still wear normal shoes, no one can see anything is wrong with me, but I’m limping along behind this guy and people start giving me dirty looks, they think I’m mocking him, so I try to walk normal, but that makes it worse. The guy with the mangled foot turned around and gave me a dirty look and I started crying. My other sin, like most people, I love pornography, but I’m really into feces fights or shit fights. The name of the site is brown ploopy and they always refer to shit as brown ploopy and I love it, it really rubs my nub if you…
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