Tag Archive: Jackie Chan
The Skull Island Times > Jackie Chan
H. Seitz
March 30, 2022
Divine Advice
Bad Boys For Life, Chris Rock, Chris Tucker, Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Jackie Chan, Jada Pickett Smith, Men in Black III, Rush Hour, The Karate Kid, Will Smith
Dear DA, I really don’t know what the big deal is. I’m just an ordinary guy who slaps his maids and butlers like everyone else, and how am I supposed to teach my children how to behave properly if I can’t even be a good example for them on TV? I know Chris Rock isn’t technically my butler, but you expect a certain standard from the maitre’d hotel, and he didn’t even bring me a wine list. And then he goes off and insults my bald, beautiful wife? So what if she looks like a 14-year-old boy? I wouldn’t have it any other way. At least I still won the championship of being an actor, I should have won years ago for Men in Black III and Bad Boys for Life. I told the producers we should have spelled it Bad Boys 4 Life, and they didn’t listen and I…
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Ryan Klemek
August 30, 2021
Divine Advice
Alex Jones, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Around the World in 80Days, Gavin Newsom, Halle Berry, Jackie Chan, John Wick, Kamala Harris, Larry Elder, qanon, Ron DeSantis, Steve Coogan
Dear Divine Advice, Apparently, there’s a law in California where the 20 or 30 dumbest assholes in the state can get together on a whim and decide to remove the Governor for, really, any ridiculous reason at all. In this case, it’s because they don’t feel like following public health guidelines that have been gently enforced to keep Californians safe during a deadly pandemic. Remember watching Arnold Schwarzenegger hang out in an opium den with Steve Coogan and Jackie Chan in that shitty Around the World in 80 Days movie and thinking “damn, that meathead is the Governor of California?” Well, that’s about to happen again, only it’s going to be a lot worse this time. At least Arnold wasn’t a QAnon nutjob. Larry Elder, the asshat leading in the poles to replace me, is basically Black Alex Jones. A Democrat as handsome and charming as I am shouldn’t be…
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H. Seitz
December 6, 2018
Lifestyles
Alfred E. Newman, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Born on the Fourth of July, Bridget Nielsen, Burt Reynolds, Cocktail, Days of Thunder, Far and Away, Frankenstein, Interview With a Vampire, Jackie Chan, Jerry MaGuire, Johnny Depp, Katie Holmes, Quaker Oats, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Rochard Grieco, Rocky, Scientology, Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot, Sylvester Stallone, The Outsiders, Tom Cruise, Tom Selleck, Top Gun, Tropic Thunder, Wilford Brimley
Hunks come and hunks go, and all too many try to stick around long after their 15 minutes are up and their pecs are down. But some, like Schwarzenegger and Stallone, manage to defy father time and mother nature just enough to keep filling up the theaters. Old, broken down, and in some cases, downright creepy (Stallone’s strange hairline and old man muscle in Rocky 6 made him look like a Frankenstein’s monster of tucks and toupees from the 80s), they still have that special something that separates them from the pack. So it isn’t just the oil and the muscles, and it’s more than just a steamy stare. The material certainly helps, but there’s more to it than just that, as the wrong stud could turn a classic into a joke. Could you imagine Raiders of the Lost Ark starring Tom Selleck? Or Rocky starring Burt Reynolds? There’s a…
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H. Seitz
June 27, 2018
Movies and Television
Fonzie, Happy Days, Jackie Chan, Katie Holmes, Lena Dunham, Matt Damon, Mr. Cunningham, Mrs. Cunningham, Rosie O'Donnell, The Fonze, Todd Bridges
Happy Days: The Awakening Rated TV-MA For the love of God, another reboot. But let’s put that aside for a moment. I consider myself to be a “woke” individual. I’m an alcoholic who shoots speedballs and frequently cries in front of prostitutes and I refuse to judge myself (or let anyone judge me) for any of it. But Lena Dunham’s Happy Days is beyond temporally biased. It isn’t even insane as much as it’s totally incoherent. The Fonze is played by Rosie O’Donnell. And that’s about the only thing I’m sure about. As far as who anyone else is supposed to be, it’s anyone’s guess. Maybe it’s my unacknowledged biases coming through, but I’d assumed that Jackie Chan was playing Arnold. But apparently, he’s supposed to be Potsie? Or maybe Mrs. Cunningham? One minute he’s talking to Todd Bridges about picking up chicks, the next he’s wearing an apron and…
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