Tag Archive: David Hasselhoff
The Skull Island Times > David Hasselhoff
H. Seitz
June 3, 2019
Divine Advice
Albert Einstein, Anton LaVey, Betty White, Bram Stoker, Cheerios, David Hasselhoff, J.K. Rowling, Jason Momoa, Jean Grey, Jesus, Johnny Depp, Jon Bon Jovi, Lady Gaga, Magneto, Micro Machines, Passion story, Plastic Man, Reader's Digest, Rocky, Satan, Shakespeare, Storm, Sylvester Stallone, Terry Bradshaw, Thanos, The Satanic Bible, Thor
Dear DA, Have you seen my new commercial ? It’s for a bathtub that has a door in the side like a submarine so you can waltz right in like a sea captain, and there’s a built in chair and a cup holder, too! The thing is amazing, and it isn’t just for old people. If you’re obese, paraplegic, or just good old-fashioned lazy, it’s the tub for you. I like to soak in there with the latest issue of the Reader’s Digest. The quotable quotes are my favorite. It’s like a paper version of a listicle. Here’s one from bestselling author J.K. Rowling. Anything’s possible if you’ve got enough nerve. Well I’ll be a mutherfucker. If only I had known. And check this one out from hard rocker Jon Bon Jovi. Success is falling nine times and getting up ten. That’s good enough to be in a Rocky…
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H. Seitz
April 16, 2018
Divine Advice
Amy Adams, Bradley Cooper, David Hasselhoff, Emma Stone, Jennifer Lawrence, Jesus, Jonah Hill, Lindsay Lohan, Satan, Ted Knight, Turbo-Teen
Dear DA, Thank you for making Lindsay Lohan go crazy and allowing me to fill the void. Honestly, I can’t quite fill some of her voids, but close enough. If you’ve been following my career, you’ve probably noticed that I’m kind of unbearable, but I can get away with it because I’m also so boring. For a woman with red hair, I really am unbelievably blank. Which is why I can play Asian women and lesbian tennis players and some lady who was a friend to the blacks. Even my boyfriend is boring. I can’t even remember his name. It’s like the cat, that famous cartoon cat. The one that likes lasagna. You know that riddle, if a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound? Well my question, if I play an Asian lady, but no one sees the…
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H. Seitz
January 1, 2018
Divine Advice
Apocalypse, Armageddon, David Hasselhoff, Evangelical, Hitler, Jesus, KITT, Knight Rider, Roomba, Satan
Dear DA, I spent the better part of the 80s with David Hasselhoff sitting on me. He farts constantly, he’s a slob, and I’m afraid he has schizophrenic dementia. He could hear me talking to him but he pretended he couldn’t. Needless to say, this made filming extremely difficult. When people tried to explain to him that I really could talk, he pretended not to hear them, either. In his mind, he was insane to be hearing a car talk to him and doubly insane to be hearing people try to convince him a car could talk. Either that or the other people and the car were insane. You could see his warped logic paralyzing him. In the end, he would just fart and walk away. I’m worried about David because now, there are a lot of cars that can talk. Even refrigerators and thermostats have started talking to people.…
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