Divine Advice for Ben Shapiro 2

H. Seitz September 13, 2021 0 Divine Advice Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, and Irene, AOC, Ben Shapiro, Chuck E. Cheese, Gattaca, Jim Carrey, Lollipop Guild, Me, Myself, Nancy Pelosi, Space Mountain

Original photo by Gage Skidmore (cropped)

Dear DA, I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you! It’s recently come out that I’m only five feet tall. You’d probably think I was kidding, but you made me. Being a man this short is worse than the Holocaust. The last time I went out jogging alone, a cop stuck me on a school bus and the kids beat me up. Whenever I try to buy beer, the shopkeepers just laugh at me. I am 37 years old! A grown man, a big boy! Even with lifts, I top out at 5’3”. Maybe I went too far claiming I was 5’9”, but people lie about their height all the time, and if you’re going to tell a lie, go big or go home. My wife was carrying me home from Sabbath last weekend (my little legs get tired) and told me not to worry about…
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Divine Advice For Kamala Harris

H. Seitz August 10, 2020 0 Divine Advice Chuck E. Cheese, Donald Trump, Jesus Christ, Jim Harris, Joe Biden, Kamala Harris, Kamala the Ugandan Giant, Mike Pence, Satan, WWE

Dear DA, Remember when I was a contender? I was actually polling well until the billionaires told me to can the progressive bullshit. So I started talking about banning Trump from Twitter and my numbers plummeted, but it looks like I’m about to luck my way into becoming VP anyway. It might actually be better this way, now that corporate America knows that I can be “reasonable.” The bar is so low at this point that Biden and I will be an improvement no matter what, but what worries me is that “returning to normalcy” just isn’t going to cut it. This is a strange time politically. Being a rich white man helps, but so does being a black woman, as long as there’s some sort of balance. As far as being capable or qualified, that barely matters at all. What’s most important at this point is what you don’t…
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Divine Advice For Adam Conover

H. Seitz October 7, 2019 0 Divine Advice Adam Conover, Adam Ruins Everything, Amy Schumer, Chuck E. Cheese, Elvira, Gabourey Sidibe, Gal Gadot, Jenny McCarthy, Melissa McCarthy, Rebel Wilson, Shallow Hal, Tilda Swinton

Original photo by Big Breakfast

Dear DA, When I looked at myself in the mirror this morning, I realized that I’m one of the dumbest people on earth. And not Forrest Gump dumb, but more like Jenny McCarthy dumb. Why did you give me this epiphany? I was perfectly happy being a completely developmentally disabled person and now it’s ruined. Do you know how difficult it is being stupid? I’m not an expert, and I don’t want to sound ableist, but it’s like really hard to be happy once you know how dumb you are. Someone asked me if women are more attracted to tall, athletic, confident men, and I said, with a straight face, that I don’t think so. I also said that men aren’t attracted to women with big tits, fat asses, and tight little tummys. You see, people aren’t animals, and our behavior doesn’t necessarily mean anything. Just because 99.9% of heterosexual…
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