Tag Archive: Ben Affleck
The Skull Island Times > Ben Affleck
H. Seitz
December 4, 2017
Divine Advice
Batfleck, Ben Affleck, Casey Affleck, Daniel Dae Kim, Ed Skrein, Good Will Hunting, Hellboy, Kevin Spacey, Matt Damon, Power Girl, Slave Leia, Stuck On You, The Great Wall
Dear DA, I read the letter from Tom Hanks last week and now I’m worried. If I had known then what I know now, I never would’ve played an Asian man. I would have insisted that a differently abled person got the role. The same with Good Will Hunting. Those guys are hard to find, especially one who’s an actor, but I would have insisted that Ben and I be replaced by real homosexuals. It was wrong for Ben Affleck and me, Matt Damon, who are both 100% heterosexual, to play gay people. And my lord and satan, what was I thinking doing Stuck on You? I should have insisted that real conjoined twins be attached to Greg Kinnear for six months. I might still insist on that now. Greg Kinnear is one of the most specially abled people I know. So of course I want you to help me…
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H. Seitz
November 20, 2017
Divine Advice
Al Franken, Batfleck, Batman, Ben Affleck, Jennifer Garner, the Joker, Val Kiilmer
I don’t know how to say this so I’m just going to come right out and say it. For most of my adult life, I’ve been dressing up as a giant bat at night to go out and fight with clowns. I say clowns plural because, well, clowns are kind of hard to tell apart. This was the whole reason for my no killing rule. The first time I went out, I basically murdered an innocent clown. I’m also color blind, so that doesn’t help at all. Clowns are a lot tougher than they look. A lot tougher. The Joker, the main clown I fight with, started out as a circus clown. I know he has a lot of other origin stories, but trust me, I know. He was just a regular circus clown, and I guess being a circus clown is a pretty lousy job. In addition to being…
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RK Galaga
August 7, 2017
Divine Advice
Batfleck, Ben Affleck, Jennifer Garner, Jesus, John Travolta, Lucifer
I am very upset and frustrated! For some reason, there have been a lot of rumors circulating around Hollywood that I am gay. I just don’t get it! I’m as Hetero as they come! First, let me say how much I respect ALL people, but especially those who are in the LGBTQ community. In fact, I have a ton of Gay friends, like my dear friend, John Travolta. John and I spend a lot of time together, and while he is definitely gay, I can assure you that I am not. Seriously, though, why are there so many gay rumors about me? Am I being gay when John Travolta and I engage in anal sex? Of course not! That’s just a couple of buddies “horsin around”. Was I being gay the time that I gave John Travolta a blow job and took his balls to my chin so many times…
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H. Seitz
June 19, 2017
Divine Advice
Batfleck, Ben Affleck, Dead Man on Campus, Jesus Christ, Lucifer, Mark Paul Gosselaar, Matt Damon, Roger Ailes, Satan, Saved By The Bell
Dear Divine Advice, I would like to end my life, but I still want to be allowed into heaven. What exactly constitutes suicide? Blowing my brains out would obviously be suicide, but what about jaywalking or buying a motorcycle and just waiting for the inevitable? If I got so used to jaywalking that I wasn’t even thinking about suicide when I finally got creamed, would that still be suicide? And if it’s all about intent, what about people who attempt suicide and fail? Do they go to hell if they forget to ask for forgiveness before they die naturally, assuming they’ve lived an otherwise decent life? Or what about a fat guy who’s doctor tells him he’s going to die if he doesn’t stop eating pork rinds, but he keeps eating them anyway even though he knows his doctor is probably right? What happens to him when he dies? Last…
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RK Galaga
May 2, 2011
Movies and Television, Reviews
Ben Affleck, Cedric Yarbrough, Janet Jackson, Kevin Smith, Lamman Rucker, Martin Lawrence, Neil Patrick Harris, Thundercats, Tyler Perry
We knew there would be a live-action ThunderCats movie eventually. How could there not be? What surprised everyone, however, was just how badly Tyler Perry wanted to make this. Even more surprising is that the only part NOT given to an African-American actor was the part of Panthro, portrayed in the film by Neil Patrick Harris. Perry was not prepared for Harris to steal the show once again as he did in Undercover Brother, but that’s what makes the film so fresh and hip. Casting himself in his Medea persona as Mumm-Ra was a stroke of genius, and no less brilliant was his casting of Martin Lawrence in his Big Mama make-up as Lion-O. As not to let down his die-hard fans, Perry rounds out the rest of the cast with his go-to actors from his other popular films. Janet Jackson is a stunning vision of Cheetara, Lamman Rucker brings…
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