Author Archive: RK Galaga
The Skull Island Times > Articles by: RK Galaga
RK Galaga
April 17, 2017
Divine Advice
Environmental Protection Agency, EPA, Scott Pruitt
photo by Gage Skidmore
Dear DA, I have to confess that my faith has been shaken. I don’t trust scientists or the government, but lately I’ve been forced to deal with both. The government people got fed up with me and now I mainly talk with the scientists. It started with these memos and reports they gave me, the information couldn’t possibly be true! They gave me books to help me to understand, but those books might as well have been in Chinese. I ended up with this book titled My First Science Book, and that I could understand, but I still didn’t buy any of it. The book said, among other things, that fish are a kind of animal, and I’m pretty sure the bible says that they aren’t, but these scientists tricked me I think, they pretty much proved to me that fish are animals, I was convinced for a few hours…
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RK Galaga
April 10, 2017
Divine Advice
Alec Baldwin, Amy Poehler, Chris Farley, Tina Fey, Will Arnett
This week’s Divine Advice was submitted by one of our readers. Dear Divine Advice, Amy Poehler is not Sexy. What can I do? Fondly, Very Confused Dear Very Confused, I’m not sure why you capitalized the “S” in sexy, but I get what you’re saying. The reason I decided to make her unsexy is I was just sick of everyone thinking that blond chicks had to be sexy all the time. For once, I wanted to make a blond that was appreciated for her mind and sense of humor instead of her looks. Ha, I’m kidding, of course. She’s not smart or funny either. To be honest, I let the “baby Jesus” version of myself make her, and that was just the best he could do. Hey, cut the lil’ guy some slack—he’s still learnin’. Anyway, you asked what you can do. Not much really, except…well, this is going to…
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RK Galaga
March 13, 2017
Divine Advice
Dear Divine Advice, I was raised Catholic, and was told growing up that there was no such thing as ghosts (aside from The Holy Spirit, of course). However, one day I woke up to find my spirit possessing a 1985 Volkswagen Beatle. I’m not quite sure how I got here, and I’m not really sure what I’m supposed to do now. Is my new purpose to help a young boy win a race or the love of a young girl he’s sweet on, or is it to avenge my own death. And while we’re on the subject, I don’t remember my own death. Shall I assume I was hit by this car? I need answers! Sincerely, Herbie the Love Bug Dear Herbie the Love Bug, Apparently, you neglected to look in your glove compartment, where I left you a note explaining your mission. Every once in a while, we decide…
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RK Galaga
March 6, 2017
Divine Advice
Dear Divine Advice, I really need some help. I should probably see a psychologist but I lost my job, I don’t have any health insurance, I’m not even sure if it would’ve covered a psychologist anyway. The good news is I can still write letters. Anyway, it started about two weeks ago. I stepped into a giant pile of dogshit and screamed “MONKEYS!” Kind of a weird thing to scream in that situation. My friends laughed at me, we were all pretty drunk, it just seemed kind of random. But the next day, my friend Lucy said hello to me and instead of saying hello back I screamed “MONKEYS!” She looked at me funny, I tried to apologize but when I opened my mouth I screamed “MONKEYS!” again, I had to put my hand over my mouth to stop screaming “MONKEYS!”. That episode passed, but in the days to follow…
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RK Galaga
March 3, 2017
Movies and Television, Reviews
Anthony Hopkins, Aziz Ansari, Batista, Buffalo Bill, George "The Animal" Steele, Guardians of the Galaxy, Hannibal Lecter, Hulk Hogan, Jodie Foster, Jonathan Demme, Lego, Lego Movie, Mindy Kaling, Robin, Silence of the Lambs, TCL Chinese Theatre, The Lego Batman Movie
“It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.” Did we need a re-make of Silence of the Lambs? Probably. Did it have to be a Lego movie? That, I’m not so sure of. One thing I do know for sure—Anthony Hopkins has really lost his shit. Rumor has it that the idea for a Lego: Silence of the Lambs movie came to him in a dream, and the very next day he got on the phone with director Jonathan Demme to pitch it. When Demme said he wasn’t interested in remaking his 1991 masterpiece, Hopkins decided to direct it himself. Knowing he’s never directed an animated movie before, he decided he would keep things simple by following the original film shot for shot. The problem is, he insisted on working completely from memory, and he hasn’t watched the film since it’s premiere 26 years…
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RK Galaga
February 27, 2017
Divine Advice
Dear Divine Advice, Is there any way I could commit suicide and still be allowed into heaven? Or at least cat heaven? And does suicide automatically send me to hell, or is there a chance I’d end up in purgatory? And lastly, and I don’t mean to sound suspicious, but please just tell me the truth, am I already in hell or purgatory? It seems a lot like purgatory most of the time, except I still seem to be getting older, I still need to eat, use the toilet, etc. Do you guys still use the toilet? Sincerely, Mark Twain Dear Mark Twain, I’ll be straight with you here. There was a mix-up with your paperwork and you ended up in purgatory. Unfortunately, since I am technically perfect and incapable of making mistakes, what’s done cannot be undone. Better get comfortable, because your assignment is permanent. Sorry about that. We’d…
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RK Galaga
February 20, 2017
Divine Advice
This week’s question was submitted by one of our readers. Dear Divine Advice, I no longer want to be a human, I want to be a duck. Please allow me to turn myself into a duck so I may live my life in the swamps of Florida as a duck. I want a corkscrew penis. Sincerely, —A Wannabe Duck. Dear Wannabe Duck, Unfortunately, my Jesus powers don’t work like that. I can either turn you into a cartoon duck that wears a shirt but no pants and has no genitals at all, OR I can give you a corkscrew penis without turning you into a duck—but not both. Before making your choice, keep in mind the pros and cons of each lifestyle. Cartoon ducks are able to withstand shotgun blasts to the face that spin their beaks around to the back of their head, but they often have crippling speech…
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RK Galaga
February 14, 2017
Divine Advice
Dear Divine Advice, Last night, I had a crazy dream, and I’m hoping you might help me figure out what it means. It started with me on a date with Zombie Mother Teresa. We were watching Driving Miss Daisy in the local movie house, and at some point we both reached into the popcorn bucket at the same time. Our hands touched, and suddenly we were both overcome with lust. I looked into her milky pupil-less eyes, and the next thing I know, we’re naked on the sticky floor, fucking like a couple of wild dogs. Then the guy in the row in front of us turns around, and I see that it’s Pope Francis. Embarrassed, I immediately stop thrusting and pull out of Zombie Mother Teresa. But then realize that the Pope is actually smiling at us. He stands up and I see that he, too, is naked, with…
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RK Galaga
February 7, 2017
Divine Advice
Dear Divine Advice, I just started watching The Americans and I love it, but Felicity really scares me nowadays. Why is she so angry and violent? Does it have anything to do with Ben? And did that stuff really happen with Russia, was the Soviet Union an actual thing? It seems like if the Soviet Union was really like that, Ben and Felicity would have gotten really fat after moving to America, like those Eastern European hockey players who defected in the 70s.I tried to ask my husband about this and he just looked at me like I was crazy. What should I do? And why did Felicity cut her hair? Is that why she’s been away for so long? Sincerely, Nancy Pelosi Dear Nancy Pelosi, I have to be honest, you seem like a real bitch. Those Eastern European hockey players that defected in the 70’s you mentioned are…
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RK Galaga
November 30, 2016
Divine Advice
MILF
Image by Illusive Photography, www.flickr.com/photos/alanant
Dear Jesus and Satan, I’m a freshman over at Barrington High and recently I did something I’m not too proud of—I accidentally got my best friend Tommy’s mom arrested by telling all the other guys at school that she had sex with me. I know it was wrong, but Mrs. Butterfield is really hot, and you should have seen how impressed the guys were. Except for Tommy, of course. Anyway, I had many chances to come clean, but once the police got involved, it became harder and harder to tell the truth. Thankfully there’s no physical evidence to put her in jail, but now Child Protective Services is watching Tommy’s house just in case. I feel really bad about this. Mrs. Butterfield is a great mom, raising Tommy all by herself ever since Tommy’s dad was run over by that steamroller a few years. I don’t want Tommy to end…
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