Author Archive: H. Seitz
The Skull Island Times > Articles by: H. Seitz
H. Seitz
December 4, 2017
Divine Advice
Batfleck, Ben Affleck, Casey Affleck, Daniel Dae Kim, Ed Skrein, Good Will Hunting, Hellboy, Kevin Spacey, Matt Damon, Power Girl, Slave Leia, Stuck On You, The Great Wall
Dear DA, I read the letter from Tom Hanks last week and now I’m worried. If I had known then what I know now, I never would’ve played an Asian man. I would have insisted that a differently abled person got the role. The same with Good Will Hunting. Those guys are hard to find, especially one who’s an actor, but I would have insisted that Ben and I be replaced by real homosexuals. It was wrong for Ben Affleck and me, Matt Damon, who are both 100% heterosexual, to play gay people. And my lord and satan, what was I thinking doing Stuck on You? I should have insisted that real conjoined twins be attached to Greg Kinnear for six months. I might still insist on that now. Greg Kinnear is one of the most specially abled people I know. So of course I want you to help me…
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H. Seitz
November 27, 2017
Divine Advice
Antonio Banderas, Benicio del Toro, Bubba Gump Shrimp Company, Edward Saxon, Forrest Gump, Jesus, Jonathan Demme, OJ SImpson, Philadelphia, Satan, Tom Cruise, Tom Hanks
Dear Jesus and Satan, Looking back at my career, I’m a little bit panicked about how some of my previous roles might be interpreted nowadays. Especially with all of these scandals coming out of the woodwork. My first big break, I played a guy who pretended to be a transvestite (Can you pretend to be a transvestite? Doesn’t pretending to be one make you one?) so he could get cheap rent in a women’s dormitory and stalk Donna Dixon. Technically, I was pretending to be a woman, but still. It isn’t exactly a role that would make transvestites proud. But I’m not too worried about it because the show was never that big. What I am worried about is Forrest Gump. If I had known then what I know now, I would have insisted that a differently abled actor got the role. Pretending to be differently abled might be just…
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H. Seitz
November 20, 2017
Divine Advice
Al Franken, Batfleck, Batman, Ben Affleck, Jennifer Garner, the Joker, Val Kiilmer
I don’t know how to say this so I’m just going to come right out and say it. For most of my adult life, I’ve been dressing up as a giant bat at night to go out and fight with clowns. I say clowns plural because, well, clowns are kind of hard to tell apart. This was the whole reason for my no killing rule. The first time I went out, I basically murdered an innocent clown. I’m also color blind, so that doesn’t help at all. Clowns are a lot tougher than they look. A lot tougher. The Joker, the main clown I fight with, started out as a circus clown. I know he has a lot of other origin stories, but trust me, I know. He was just a regular circus clown, and I guess being a circus clown is a pretty lousy job. In addition to being…
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H. Seitz
November 17, 2017
Editorial
Incredible Hulk
Hulk eat dinner with Solomon Grundy other day. Solomon Grundy criticize Hulk for always complain and never contribute. Solomon Grundy say Hulk should run public office. Hulk explain mind of Hulk too undependable for hold consistent, effective policy. Solomon Grundy laugh and say “So what? Look president? Look half congress?” So Hulk run for mayor or senator whenever next election sooner. If see problem or way for improve Hulk policy, please help Hulk. Hulk Policy #1—Slingshots for the Homeless Hulk Policy #1 kill three bird one stone. Reduce pigeon, reduce rat, and feed homeless. Policy good for all because make homeless self sufficient. Also cheaper than exterminator. Hulk Policy #2—Abandoned Building = Homeless Shelter. Policy exactly what say. Abandoned building now legal homeless shelter. No rules, no change, just no more illegal. Better for homeless and cheaper easier for cop. Homeless no pay fines anyway. Hulk Policy #3—$1.00 Bus/Subway Fare…
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H. Seitz
November 13, 2017
Divine Advice
deflategate, Derek Jeter, Donald Trump, Gary Johnson, Gisele Bündchen, Gronk, Jesus, Jill Stein, National Football League, New England Patriots, New York Giants, NFL, Rob Gronkowski, Satan, Southie, Super Bowl, Tom Brady
Dear DA, Like most people in Boston, I’m a diehard racist and closeted homosexual. It’s kind of our thing here in Massachusetts. I have to hide my racism and homosexuality because one is not politically correct and the other one is just wrong, but I figure I might as well be honest with you guys. I voted for Donald Trump and I continue to support him. And I get very little flack for this because I’m a handsome quarterback. Like handsome quarterbacks everywhere, I can get away with just about anything. If I wanted to beat my wife or my mistress or my secret gay concubine, I could do it in public on camera and maybe get a token two game suspension and a small fine. The same goes for my kids. I could beat them black and blue with a big stick and basically, nothing bad would happen to…
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H. Seitz
November 6, 2017
Divine Advice
Anthony Rapp, Christopher Walken, House of Cards, Jesus, Kaiser Soze, Kevin Spacey, Satan, Twelve Apostles, Usual Suspects
Dear DA, Unless you live under a rock, you’re aware of the dark and hypocritical forces against me. I find it extremely unfair that a guy (me) who plays the President on TV is held accountable for alleged sexual assault, while the actual President of the United States has basically been given a free pass just because he continues to do awful things now, while I only maybe did this one awful but understandable thing a long time ago. I was drunk, and I’ve been drunk a lot of days in between then and now. I’m drunk right now. And I’m gay. Some people would say that being drunk and gay isn’t an excuse, but I say that they are. When people are drunk, they do stupid things, like hit on 14 year old boys who look older than 14. Remember those girls in junior high school who looked like…
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H. Seitz
November 3, 2017
Editorial
Year many ago, Hulk first go on Book of Faces. Hulk know conspiracy theory problem. Government ignore, no want legitimize nonsense, underestimate suckers, power social media. Conspiracy theory way think #1 reason Trump president. American way last 60 70 years, ignore problem til too late. Conspiracy people never admit wrong. No understand legitimate argument evidence, no understand 5th grade math, go on tangent. Willfully ignorant. Also sad, angry, lonely. Hulk know sad, angry, lonely. Conspiracy make conspiracy people feel smart. Get attention. No want look admit dumb. Too invested go back. Many conspiracy people sub troll. Hulk admit, one conspiracy true. Conspiracy people manipulated for monetize youtube channel. Sub troll true believer. No money for sub troll. But money for youtube channel. Alex Jones. Hulk try less violent, but no Alex Jones. Hulk see Alex Jones, Hulk murder Alex Jones. If caught, say conspiracy, tragedy actor. Sandy Hook victim, Las…
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H. Seitz
November 2, 2017
Fiction
Annoying things happen all the time, or things I’d rather not deal with, like getting shit on by a bird or having to do anything in general. The last time I was shit on by a bird, it nearly made me turn around, go home, and go back to bed. I was on my way to work. The birdshit didn’t smell (it generally doesn’t), and it wasn’t visible after a few dabs with a spitty napkin. There was a Wendy’s nearby, so at least I was able to get a napkin to spit on. But the thought of going through the rest of the day in that shirt deflated me. No one could see or smell the birdshit, but I would know, and it would bother me until I forgot about it, and I knew that I would forget. I would be going about my day as usual, and then…
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H. Seitz
October 23, 2017
Divine Advice
Brad Pitt, Frank Sinatra, Gwyneth Paltrow, Harvey Weinstein, Mia Farrow, Richard NIxon, Sonny Bono, Soon-Yi, Woody Allen, Yoko Ono
Dear DA, I’m writing in to support my friend Harvey Weinstein. I know that what he was accused of doing was technically “wrong”, whatever that means, but let’s be honest here. Look at Harvey. Would any of these women (hell, would any woman?) even give him the time of day if he didn’t wield some sort of power over them? I feel sorry for the poor guy, it’s like being a kid in a candy shop, lookey lookey but no touchy. I can empathize with Harvey because I had a bit of a scandal myself a few years back. I know what I did was technically “unconventional”, but again, let’s be honest here. What guy doesn’t fantasize about adopting an Asian baby, raising her to near adulthood, and then dumping Mia Farrow for her? It’s like the ultimate fuck you to Mia Farrow, and I guess society, too. So who…
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H. Seitz
October 12, 2017
Fiction
Life used to be pretty good for me. I was living with this guy Marty. I lived with him, worked with him, partied with him. We were pals. I worked with him at Laguardia, I was a detector dog and he was my handler. I sniffed out (or detected) bombs, marijuana, cocaine, heroin, all sorts of contraband. If it smells funny, bark and point, that was the general rule. Better to detain some poor bastard with smelly socks than to have an airplane explode, or (god forbid) have some guy smoke pot. We worked 12 hour shifts, they were generally long and unbearable unless I sniffed cocaine or heroin. Cocaine gave me the energy I needed to get through the shift, heroin made me so high I didn’t really care or know where I was. But most of the time, I didn’t detect anything. There just wasn’t anything to detect.…
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