Dear DA,
What the hell is wrong with my Pornhub? Almost everything I bookmarked is gone, and people are saying this shit is permanent? Now I’m back on xvideo and YouTube, but it just ain’t the same.
Who’s responsible for this? Because I’m going to find the sucker and punch him so hard he wakes up a fetus back inside his mama’s womb, afraid to come out for another whoppin’.
I can be a reasonable man, despite all the bullshit I’ve had to live through. You ever have Nancy Reagan sit on your lap? It feels like two ostriches are stabbing into your thighs with their beaks.
Give me back my damn Pornhub!
Sincerely,
Mr. T
Dear Mr. T,
Your problem is a little hard for me to relate to since, as God, the whole world is my “Pornhub.” My Holy x-ray vision can see into every bedroom, parked car, janitor closet, elevator, and airplane restroom on Earth, and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop me from watching. That might make you uncomfortable, but this is the religion you signed up for. I think I spotted a gold crucifix in that wad of pirate’s booty you have wrapped around your neck, so I’m pretty sure you’re on board with all this. Anyway, by asking me to restore Pornhub, you’re basically asking for god-like powers to see things you shouldn’t see.
Before Pornhub started cracking down on so-called “questionable material, a search for “Girls Under 18” used to yield 100,000 results. Now you have to be verified in order to upload content, and they’ve disabled the “download” feature. There’s still some scary shit on there, but not as much as you can find on Facebook, Instagram, or TikTok. Obviously, nobody outside of the Old Testament wants to condone rape, incest, or pedophilia, but sometimes you just have to take the good with the bad. You don’t see me destroying the entire Catholic Church just to save a few altar boys, do you? Let’s not throw out the baby with the bathwater here.
So, as you can see, you’re preaching to the quire. The problem is, I’m not in a position to do anything about it. I’m one transphobic comment away from being permanently canceled, and people are already pissed at me for not stopping all the rape, incest and pedophilia happening in the real world. I simply can’t afford to be seen supporting a company like Pornhub.
—Jesus Christ
p.s. You asked me if I’ve ever had Nancy Reagan sit on my lap. As a matter of fact, she’s on my lap right now. I think she might have me confused with Santa. Oh, well—‘tis the season.
Dear Mr. T
The guy you want is Nicholas Kristof. He’s the New York Times Op-Ed columnist who started the crusade to bring down everyone’s favorite adult website. You take care of him on Earth, and I’ll make sure he gets his just desserts down here in Hell. Punishing conservative prudes is hilarious. First of all, I’ll decorate his cell like a teenaged boy’s bedroom. It’s hard to imagine that sexy posters of Katy Perry and Miley Cyrus could make someone so uncomfortable that it could count as torture, but that’s the way these assholes are wired. The second phase is to send in one of my Brad Pitt clones set to “blow job” mode. In this instance, the torment lies not in the BJ itself, but in the recipient’s enjoyment of said BJ. As Brad cradles the balls and massages the prostate, Kristof will clench every muscle in his body trying to prevent his dick from getting hard, but it’ll be no use. The shame and humiliation he’ll feel when he nuts all over Brad’s square jaw will be worse than cramming a thousand robotic cobras into his rectum. Don’t worry—I’m going to do the cobra thing, too.
—Satan
Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to ryan@skullislandtimes.com, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.
- Divine Advice for Derek Jeter - September 23, 2022
- Divine Advice For Will Smith - March 30, 2022
- Divine Advice For Cap’n Crunch - March 13, 2022