Dear DA,
When I was 14, I lost a game of Tic-Tac-Toe to a chicken, and as humiliating as it was, it was the reality check I needed. If only Trump had had a pet chicken during his formative years, maybe we wouldn’t be in this mess, but I hear he’s terrified of birds. Hates them with a passion unless they’re in McNugget form.
As dumb as I am, I just can’t deny reality. Reality, in my opinion, is more than hard enough, even if you’re trying to pay attention to it. But there are smart people out there. Did you know that if you concentrate hard enough, you can always force a tie at Tic-Tac-Toe? I can’t do it myself, but one of the generals told me, and then he showed me how! I forgot immediately, but I remember him doing it, and just because I can’t do it doesn’t mean he isn’t right.
I know this isn’t the best argument for electing me President of the United States. I mean honestly, I lost at Tic-Tac-Toe to a chicken and I’ve been rambling on about it for the last 60 plus years. But at least I admit it and don’t try to make excuses like the chicken went first. It’s still a chicken, and humans should be able to win against at least a dog or a monkey. Well maybe not a monkey. I’ve been tricked by monkeys before.
I’ve forgotten what I was going to ask you, so maybe you could just give me some general advice so I don’t blow this in November. And I know, I know, I’ll stop talking about dogs and chickens.
Sincerely,
Joe Biden
Dear Uncle Joe,
Sigh. I can’t believe it’s come to this. Why, in a country of 330 million people, has the presidency come down to two senile rich white guys who can’t even string together a coherent sentence? This can’t be what anyone wants, can it?
Trump is where he is because he’s an asshole in all the right ways and that’s all 40% of the population cares about. You are where you are because enough black people like the fact that you were Barack Obama’s butler for eight years. They like to imagine you tucking Michelle and him into bed at night, and then bringing them coffee and bagels in the morning. I’m sure some mornings you accidentally put salt in the coffee instead of sugar, or you brought whipped cream instead of cream cheese for the bagels, but that was just part of your charm.
What you and Trump have in common is that you’re both scandal-proof. There is nothing either of you can do—no gaff too embarrassing, no tweet too offensive—for your dedicated bases. Trump’s just being Trump, Uncle Joe’s just being Uncle Joe. It’s frustrating for 60% of the population to watch, but because of the way democracy works these days, those people don’t count. Currently, you’re leading in poles of people who hate you both, and that’s all that will matter in the end. The question is, can you hold onto this lead?
My advice is to really lean into your Joe-ness. Do you remember in Silver Streak when Gene Wilder does that problematic impression of a “jive-turkey?” Do that, only without the blackface. Maybe Steve Martin in Bringing Down the House is a better example. Another idea is to always be giving people massages whenever you appear on camera. Make a big thing of asking their permission and then dig in. Though, it’s probably a good idea if you only massage men—you’re not quite as resistant to “me-too” as Trump is. The last thing I would do is turn up the dementia dial to 100. Really go for it. Forget what year it is. Forget what state you’re in. Get people’s names wrong. Get suddenly angry, then trail off mid-sentence before snapping back into that famous Joe Biden smile. You know the smile I mean. The one where it looks like you have no understanding of the real problems facing Americans and have no real plan other than to prop up the corporate thugs that keep you in power. Trump has a sneer like that, too, but yours comes across as slightly less diabolical. Be the most “Joe Biden” you can possibly be and you just might be able to pull this off.
Oh, who am I kidding…
—Jesus Christ.
Dear Uncle Joe,
Most people don’t give you enough credit for this, but you’re one of the only politicians that have refused to make a deal with me. It’s not because you have “integrity,” though—it’s because you think you can win without my help. Of all your stupid ideas, this is by far the stupidest. This is it. This is your last shot. You’re 7,800 years old, your mind is Jell-O, and your body is sawdust. It’s time to put away your pride and do the smart thing.
I understand your hesitance. Nobody wants to owe his or her soul to the Devil. The thing is, you’re already bound for Hell just for being a politician, so what do you have to lose? Why not get something out of it? Your people need you. If Trump wins a second term, the world will end. Libtards say this with hyperbole, but the fact is, they’re right. Trump is a giant baby who doesn’t know what the fuck he’s doing. One of these days, he’s going to have a temper tantrum and nuke Minnesota.
Speaking of Minnesota, we gotta talk about Amy Klobuchar. I know she’s at the top of your VP list, but she’s bad news. Aside from being a hideous cackling witch with a terrible record on the environment, she would also bring to your campaign a lot of social justice baggage. I mean she had this Derek Chauvin in her sights before and totally let him go, so you could say she’s at least partially responsible for George Floyd’s death. I know you think you have the black vote locked up, but picking Klobuchar could be the one thing you could do to lose it.
Your other choices aren’t much better. Despite being black herself, Kamala Harris has an embarrassing criminal justice record and corporate ties that progressives can’t stand. Elizabeth Warren isn’t quite as bad, but she’s too old and white, plus there’s all that “Pocahontas” bullshit she can’t seem to shake. Kirsten Gillibrand… well, she’s just a bitch.
Just to give you an example of the kind of thing I could do for you, I’ve taken it upon myself to come up with a much better VP list:
- Andrew Yang—I know he doesn’t have a vagina for you to cram your fingers into, but don’t hold that against him. He’s the only candidate to offer actual solutions to the real problems facing America and the rest of the world. Also, he’s the only person who ran for president that everyone liked. Even Trumpers liked him, and we know how most of those toothless idiots feel about Asians.
- Tulsi Gabbard—She has a lot of the same things going for her as Andrew Yang does, plus the added bonus of being a female. One drawback is the Democratic establishment hates her even more than they hate Bernie, and that’s saying something. She had the balls to go after Killary, which is a positive thing as far as voters are concerned, but it would be problematic when it came to corporate fundraising.
- Beyoncé—Obviously the problem here is she isn’t running and hasn’t expressed any interest whatsoever in getting involved in politics. However, if someone could convince her to do it, your victory would be an absolute certainty. And that’s where I come in. I’m actually pretty persuasive when I put my mind to it. I convinced Eve to eat a forbidden apple even though there was plenty of free candy she could have eaten instead. Did you know the Garden of Eden had Skittles bushes and chocolate flowers? It’s true. Anyway, if I’m unable to change Beyoncé’s mind, I’ll do the next best thing—kill her and assumer her form. I won’t enjoy fucking Jay-Z, but it’s a sacrifice I’d be willing to make for your campaign and your tasty beef jerky of a soul.
Of course, there is one detail I should address, and that’s the fact that I’ve already made a deal with President Trump. Obviously you both can’t win, so how exactly would that work? How would I decide which one of you to fuck over? Let’s put it this way—I may not like you very much, but I fucking hate Trump. And while, you’re both going to spend eternity in Hell, I’d love to fuck up his life on Earth by screwing him out of a second term.
—Satan.
Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to ryan@skullislandtimes.com, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan
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