Tag Archive: Tom Hanks

Divine Advice For Adam Silver

Dear DA, I’m filled with both pride and horror that the NBA is apparently more powerful than the mainstream media, the CDC, and state and local governments. A doctor in Seattle starts barking about this virus in January, and nothing. Crickets. Rudy Gobert goes down, and suddenly shit gets real, especially after I suspended the season. Trump supporters can ignore or deny a lot of reality, and Americans are used to America responding to outbreaks responsibly, so they just kind of take it for granted that either America is doing what it’s supposed to or it isn’t that bad. Until the NBA gets suspended, because when the hell has that ever happened? I can’t remember it ever happening before, can you? (Seriously, I can’t). So that must mean the virus isn’t a hoax, because the NBA, well, I’m familiar with it. So it’s time to start hoarding toilet paper. It…
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Divine Advice For Tom Hanks

Dear Jesus and Satan, Looking back at my career, I’m a little bit panicked about how some of my previous roles might be interpreted nowadays. Especially with all of these scandals coming out of the woodwork. My first big break, I played a guy who pretended to be a transvestite (Can you pretend to be a transvestite? Doesn’t pretending to be one make you one?) so he could get cheap rent in a women’s dormitory and stalk Donna Dixon. Technically, I was pretending to be a woman, but still. It isn’t exactly a role that would make transvestites proud. But I’m not too worried about it because the show was never that big. What I am worried about is Forrest Gump. If I had known then what I know now, I would have insisted that a differently abled actor got the role. Pretending to be differently abled might be just…
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