Tag Archive: Michael Jordan

Divine Advice For Chewbacca

Dear DA, I’ve lived a long, happy life and all I had to do was dress up as Chewbacca every other decade or so. I didn’t even have to talk or grunt. All of those Chewbacca noises are combinations of lions, bears, and a constipated George Lucas trying to squeeze one out. You know that sad, resigned little wail Chewbacca does? That’s George when he looks down into the toilet bowl after straining for two hours and sees a turd about the size and consistency of a brown M&M. Another bit of Star Wars trivia: George played the black Ewok, and he sometimes filled in for Kenneth George Baker when the R2D2 can got too hot. Kenneth told me he sometimes found little brown M&Ms in there afterward, they were a bit melted but free chocolate is free chocolate. I never had the heart to tell him. Dying is never…
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Divine Advice For Ryan Gosling

Dear DA, I’m one of the whitest people on earth, and as a woke individual, I am totally aware of my white male privilege and try not to take advantage of it. But something strange happened recently that has me scratching my head. I went into a Burger King and the line was almost to the door. There must have been at least 15 people in front of me. After a quick scan, I determined that all of them were minorities. There were a few black guys, a couple Mexicans, and the rest of them were fat white women. So as is my privilege, I budged in front of all of them, and they started to complain! I explained to them about white male privilege, and that I only take advantage of it in emergency situations, like when I’m really hungry (I’m hypoglycemic, so it really was an emergency). I…
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