Tag Archive: Chuck E. Cheese

Divine Advice For Kamala Harris

Dear DA, Remember when I was a contender? I was actually polling well until the billionaires told me to can the progressive bullshit. So I started talking about banning Trump from Twitter and my numbers plummeted, but it looks like I’m about to luck my way into becoming VP anyway. It might actually be better this way, now that corporate America knows that I can be “reasonable.” The bar is so low at this point that Biden and I will be an improvement no matter what, but what worries me is that “returning to normalcy” just isn’t going to cut it. This is a strange time politically. Being a rich white man helps, but so does being a black woman, as long as there’s some sort of balance. As far as being capable or qualified, that barely matters at all. What’s most important at this point is what you don’t…
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Divine Advice For Adam Conover

Dear DA, When I looked at myself in the mirror this morning, I realized that I’m one of the dumbest people on earth. And not Forrest Gump dumb, but more like Jenny McCarthy dumb. Why did you give me this epiphany? I was perfectly happy being a completely developmentally disabled person and now it’s ruined. Do you know how difficult it is being stupid? I’m not an expert, and I don’t want to sound ableist, but it’s like really hard to be happy once you know how dumb you are. Someone asked me if women are more attracted to tall, athletic, confident men, and I said, with a straight face, that I don’t think so. I also said that men aren’t attracted to women with big tits, fat asses, and tight little tummys. You see, people aren’t animals, and our behavior doesn’t necessarily mean anything. Just because 99.9% of heterosexual…
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