I got this friend, he’s got real problems. Actually, he’s brilliant, and he’s doing great, but you see, I think he got tricked. First Fauci said NO MASKS!, because the first responders needed them, and we didn’t really have any. Then all of the sudden masks are everywhere, and he says WEAR A MASK! What the hell is wrong with this guy?
You know I was the one who shut down China? It could have been worse, much much worse, and I don’t even think it’s really this guy’s fault. If that dumb bitch Melania would have just stayed in her dungeon, none of this would have happened, but she had to take a bite of my Fish-O-Filet sandwich. I know it was you, Melania, don’t you lie to me! And she got her dirty China Virus all over it.
What has the world come to when even McDonald’s is a part of the deep state? I know it’s unthinkable, but as President, it’s my job, to think the unthinkable. Maybe that Fish-O-Filet sandwich was licked by the Democrats, but that’s not to say Melania still didn’t take a bite. I warned her not to take a bite of that sandwich. I tell you not to take a bite of my sandwich, you don’t bite it, or you get the China Virus! Maybe now she’ll listen to me.
My friend, as brilliant as he is, has really got problems. The China Virus, a wife who steals his sandwiches, and he keeps on coughing up these giant hairballs, they smell like the garbage can in a hair salon.
This guy is a real go-getter, a real high energy guy, but he could really use $700 million, and he’ll pay you back for sure, it’s just that the damn IRS is all over him right now, and the entire state of NY wants to crucify him. Surely you can relate? That damn Jew York City, if it wasn’t for the Holocaust, how would anyone find an apartment? Am I right?
As President, I could command you, but I’m asking you nicely, so please help my friend right now with a billion dollars and a new Fish-O-Filet sandwich. And if you could get rid of his China Virus, that would be great.
The President of The United States of America,
Donald J. Trump
I’m sorry you got sick, really I am. The thing is, I’ve been warning y’all for years now that I’ve been feeling a little “Old Testimate-y” but you rich assholes insisted on doing whatever the hell you wanted, assuming your greed and selfishness would continue to go unpunished. Well, this time, the consequences are both direct and severe. All you had to do was wear a damn mask, and maybe eat 30% fewer Filet-O-Fish sandwiches. Melania was actually trying to protect you by stealing that sandwich, don’t you see?
Speaking of Melania, I have some more disturbing news for you. She’s already voted by mail, and she voted for Biden. It’s nothing personal, she’s just sick of living in the White House and wants to go back to her proper mansion in New York City. In fact, she’ll probably go there even if you somehow get re-elected after all this. It’s pretty ironic that, had she not been married to you, an American citizen, she wouldn’t even be legally allowed to vote.
I know things look bleak, but there’s no reason to throw in the towel yet. You’ve got the thoughts and prayers of all those Evangelicals behind you, and if there’s one thing all the school shootings have taught us is that nothing beats the power of prayer.
Confession: I’ve been forwarding everyone’s prayers to my secretary, John the Baptist, for thousands of years now. He is much more patient than I am. Unfortunately, he doesn’t have superpowers like I do, which is why prayers never actually get answered. Keep praying, though. You never know.
You’re kind of scaring me right now. We’ve always known that you are an obese man in his mid-70’s who eats nothing but fast food, whose idea of exercise is climbing in and out of a golf cart, who scoffs in the face of science and common sense safety precautions, but somehow it seemed like you were going to live forever. And to be honest, we’re not quite ready for you down here in Hell.
There are so many more preparations that need to be made. We’ve hung all the decorations, we bought the shit cake and dead flowers, but I’m still waiting on the sulfuric acid popsicles and exploding cigars. Also, my top engineer, Rube Goldberg, has drawn up the plans for this really sweet torture device just for you, but he says he’s going to need at least three more years to complete it. And the demon cheerleaders need at least that long to perfect their routine.
So, you see, it would be almost rude for you to die now, as nobody likes a person who shows up to the party early. That’s why you have my thoughts and prayers on a speedy recovery.
Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to firstname.lastname@example.org, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan