Where to begin.
I passed Dr. Anthony Fauci this morning sitting alone in a chair facing the corner, like a kid who was being punished. All that was missing was a dunce cap. According to Dr. Faucci, the President told him he was on a “time out” for getting too excited about COVID-19. According to Trump, no matter how many people are dying, that’s no reason to get “snippy,” and frankly, he’s getting tired of hearing about it. Every morning, it’s COVID-19 this and COVID-19 that. Obviously Dr. Faucci had never been to finishing school, otherwise he would have learned that it’s rude to keep talking about diseases all the time.
I also passed Ivanka. She was sitting on an ottoman talking to a can of beans and looked terrified.
The Trump boys were playing in their pillow fort as usual. They flip a coin to see who gets to be the cop or ICE agent and who has to be the black guy or the Mexican. Then they chase each other around the fort and “wrestle,” but they look guilty whenever I catch them and immediately start talking about how hot Ivanka is. Sure she’s their sister, but from behind, an ass is an ass, and how are you supposed to not want to fuck your sister?
I know it’s been over three years now, but seriously, is this for real? I’m not famous enough to be on some Punked type reality show, but maybe it’s some kind of social experiment or I’ve been abducted by aliens? This is too weird for me, and I’m worried I’m about to lose it. What should I do?
Dear Mr. Belvedere,
Remember the time Trump accidentally dropped the TV into the bathtub and got electrocuted? You totally saved his life that day. His near-death experience caused him to consider resigning the presidency to become a lounge singer, so you got Robert Goulet to come by the Oval Office and talk some sense into him.
Or how about the time you coached Don. Jr. so he could finally beat his dad at arm wrestling? Meanwhile, Tiffany was dating the captain of the football team who was ordered by his coach to take ballet lessons. Because the guy wasn’t into her, she assumed he was gay, which was something you could still openly ridicule at the time.
Then, of course there was that week Baron kept getting detention at school. It turned out he was doing it on purpose because he had a crush on his teacher, Miss Connor. But then one day Eric came to pick Baron up from school and Eric and Miss Connor really hit it off. The two started dating, and Baron was so jealous. Meanwhile, Tiffany got fed up with her name and had everyone call her Bianca for a while. I’m not sure what you were up to that episode, since you weren’t mentioned in the plot summary.
Strangely, you’re not mentioned in most of the plot summaries. What the hell are the Trumps even paying you for?
Murder is wrong—literally nobody knows that better than I do. Thing is, accidents happen. Especially when you’re personally responsible for the daily operation and maintenance of such a complex machine as the White House. Maybe sometimes the fried chicken doesn’t get cooked all the way through, or someone on your staff forgets to put out a “Caution: Wet Floor” sign after they’ve mopped the hallway outside the President’s Bedroom, or one of the chefs accidentally replaces the Presidential pancake syrup with bleach. Hell, for all the FBI and Secret Service know, the bleach thing could happen at the President’s request, and who are you to argue? I’m just saying that mansion is a big, dangerous place, and there’s only so much you and your team can do to prevent a mishap.
Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to email@example.com, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan