Dear Jesus and Satan,
You’d think that owning everything would be great, but it’s actually extremely stressful. I like to revel in the failure of others just like everybody else, but now, there are no others.
Take Terminator Dark Fate. It turns out that Disney somehow owns this piece of crap and it’s got me hella worried about the five Avatar movies we’re making. Jesus Christ, did we have to go ahead and make five of them? We’ve already spent something like a billion dollars and I have no idea what they’re even about. I think they’re about blue panthers or something? God this is bad.
We own Star Wars, Marvel, Fox, and all this other crap, but are people even going to the movies anymore? I just don’t see millions of people shelling out $25 to go see Avatar 4.
The merch is still solid (thank God) and Baby Yoda is going to sell like strippers on Sunday, but there’s only so much that Disney can do. We can sex up underage girls and parade them around in “family friendly” programming, then turn them into hot little popstars, but we can’t be overt about it like other companies. How is Hannah Montana going to compete with Japanese sex robots? And if we bought the sex robots, we’d need to get them down to a PG13, and how the hell are you supposed to do that? Handjobs only? No one is going to pay thousands of dollars for a robot that only gives handjobs.
This whole “woke” thing is killing us. We’ve gone too far, and it’s going to ruin everything. Even Baby Yoda if we’re not careful. All the critics we own are going to “love it” but the people who actually pay for this crap are going to hate it. Why is Baby Yoda speaking Spanish? How does that even make sense?
Thank God we don’t own James Bond (yet). How’s he going to slip into a fancy gala when black people can’t even go to Home Depot without being followed by security?
Once we own everything, people are still going to demand porn, and how the hell is Disney supposed to accommodate that? People can pretend and moralize all they want, but watch what happens when Pornhub has to be PG13.
I could really use some help on this one.
Robert Allen Iger
President, Walt Disney Company
Stay the fuck away from Pornhub, ok? It’s all we have left. If you buy the entire world and sanitize it, what can we blame the world’s problems on? I need to be able to say that porn causes sexual depravity because perverts are my go-to scapegoats for natural disasters. The same goes for violence. If there were no more violent movies and videogames, we’d have to admit we need sensible gun laws and federally funded mental health intervention. People will sin no matter what; in fact, they’d probably sin even more if you took away popular media platforms. But as long as they have culture to blame for their destructive nature, they won’t think to ask why I chose to make them that way in the first place. This nice cozy status quo I’ve created depends on human beings thinking they’re responsible for their own wickedness.
My Dad says you’re currently in negotiations to buy Christianity. Trust me, this is a responsibility you don’t want. I know it’s tempting—you’ve created many false idols that you’d like to grant legitimacy to. But once Mickey, Moana, and Elsa, take over as the new Holy Trinity, it will be up to them to answer all the tough questions I get every day. Do you think they want to explain why bad things happen to good people, why good things happen to bad people, and why Simba has to rip the throats out of cute baby elk? In your movies, you’ve always been able to sidestep those questions with a generic “that’s just the natural order of things” type of message. Once you literally become God, you’ll be that nature. It’ll be your fault that things need to kill other things to survive.
Of course, you could buy Christianity (or Porn Hub, or whatever else you want) anonymously and just let the organizations continue to run as they are while you rake in all the revenue. I know you usually prefer to micromanage all of your more profitable assets, but in this case, I think you’d benefit from a more hands-off approach. One thing, though—if you do become my new boss, please don’t add Mickey ears to the Jesus statues in churches.
Actually, since you already own Star Wars, maybe we can start telling people that picture of Ewan McGregor as Obi-Wan Kenobi actually is me.
—Jesus Kenobi McGregor
Dear Bob Seger,
I have a confession. I was the guy who started that rumor about Walt Disney liking Hitler. I thought it would be funny to destroy his legacy. Who knew it would actually make him more popular? Anyway, just a heads-up, I planted a rumor in Alex Jones’s dream last night that you killed Epstein, and that you and Hillary are actually one person. You’re the Dr. Jekyll half and she’s the Mr. Hyde, and together, you run child sex rings out of pizza parlors. Also, you’re a Reptilian from the Draco star system. You should probably call your lawyers, because Alex is off his meds, and he’s got nothing left to lose.
Fuck. I just remembered—I’m one of your lawyers. What the hell did I get myself into?
Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to firstname.lastname@example.org, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.