Divine Advice For Ivanka Trump

Dear DA,

This scandal with rich actors buying their kids’ ways into college, I think it’s just shameful. The thought of these kids getting into schools they don’t deserve to, and then getting better jobs they don’t deserve afterwards, and then doing the same for their kids, and on and on it goes, from one spoiled generation to the next, each one more out of touch with reality than the last, protected from the “normals” by the gilded walls of their gated communities, it just makes me want to spit venom with rage.

The people I feel most sorry for are the children. How will these kids ever know if they earned anything based on their own merit, or whether daddy or mommy just greased the wheels for them?

As the smoking hot daughter of a billionaire, I know I earned everything the hard way, through good old-fashioned grit and determination. Ever since I was nine, I’ve been hiring and firing my own Mexican maids and tutors. And daddy never just gave me an allowance, I had to earn it, first by running little errands for him, and then by dancing for him like at talent shows, and then by doing some other stuff. Daughters and daddies help each other, especially when mommy has tennis elbow and can’t stop throwing up from all that tennis.

As a government lady, it’s my job to crack down on this bribery and corruption, and I’m the perfect person to do it because it isn’t hypocritical or ironic at all. I just have two questions for you:

  1. Is this actually a part of my job?
  2. What should I do to these people? Can I have them hanged? Does it depend on the state or can I hang them federally? I want to do it publicly to make an example of them, and to show the normals that I’m fair.

Thank you in advance,
Ivanka Trump


Dear Ivanka,

I have a confession to make. I was a little disappointed when I got to the end of your letter and realized you weren’t offering me a bribe to keep you and your family from going to Hell. Bribery is the only way your kind knows how to show reverence and respect. Would I have taken a bribe from the likes of you? No. There’s nothing you have that I want. Not that I can think of off the top of my head anyway. Though you’ve got nothing to lose, so it couldn’t hurt to try to come up with something.

I guess what I’m getting at is if you threw yourself at me, I’d at least be flattered. I probably wouldn’t take you up on it, but who knows? If you walked slowly up to me with lusty penance in your eyes, dropped to your knees and started undoing my pants, how far would I let things go before I put a stop to it? It’s hard to say. I mean we are talking hypothetically, right?

If I were on my throne taking a nap and were to be suddenly woken by the feeling of your hand creeping up my inner thigh, I’d be furious. Groping someone while they’re asleep is a serious offense, especially when you do it to God. But I don’t expect someone like you to understand that. Someone who’s never in her life heard the word “no.” Someone who helps herself to anything her black heart desires (sexual or otherwise) without apology. For certain, if you were to then straddle me and begin grinding, I would be beside myself with rage. But I’d be groggy from sleep, so perhaps in the moment, you might be able to take advantage of me. In such a situation, perhaps my little friend might not protest so much. If you then pulled up your skirt to reveal you were not wearing panties, then slid my erection inside you and rode me until we both climaxed explosively, I might be powerless to stop it. Afterward, you might try whispering into my ear, begging for mercy towards you and your family for the atrocities you’ve committed against humanity. In that state of post-orgasmic bliss would I be feeling extra generous and forgiving? The odds are against such an outcome, but you never know. Certainly, if I were in your situation, I’d be willing to try anything.

—Jesus Christ


Dear Ivanka,

I was going to reveal this to you and the rest of the world sooner or later, but I guess this is as good of a time and place as any…

Here’s the thing: there is no Jared Kushner. It’s just me. That’s right—you’ve been married to The Devil for 10 years now. Haven’t you ever wondered why such a bashful, boy-next-door-looking millionaire from New Jersey had a 12-inch flaming cock? That’s not normal, you know. Also, weren’t you at all curious as to why I have cloven hooves instead of feet? Maybe you’ve just been in denial. Or maybe…

Maybe you’ve known all along and were hoping that, if you played along and married me, I’d spare your father from the unimaginable torment he’s got coming. If that was your plan, I’m sorry to say it didn’t work. If anything, spending so much time with you and your family has only further convinced me of what steaming piles of shit you all are.

In some ways, you’re the worst Trump of all because you hide your evil behind that pretty face and killer ass. Boy, I’ve really torn that ass to shreds over the years, haven’t I? People never think about how they rarely see you sitting down.

Your punishment is going to be different from the others, in part because you’ve already gotten used to the flaming cock and the cobras up the rectum and a lot of the more traditional tortures which have been incorporated into our regular bedroom activities. I’m not even going to make you a link in the Trump Human Centipede. No, your punishment is going to be much worse. You’re going to be alone in a room, empty except for an 80” 4K TV and a Clockwork Orange-style chair that you’ll be strapped to, and forced to watch the infamous Pee Tape for eternity. Spoiler alert: the worst thing about that movie is when your dad, with his mouth full of Russian hooker piss, goes from laughing to crying, then back to laughing. It’s really disturbing.

—Satan

Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to ryan@skullislandtimes.com, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan

H. Seitz

H. Seitz is the author of the Sci-fi novella "Iron Manimal" and a contributing writer at The Skull Island Times.
H. Seitz

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