Dear Divine Advice,
I suspected that my 15 year old son Rob had started smoking pot, so I looked through his phone while he was in the shower. I found a video in his Dropbox of him and a girl doing bong hits and having sex. The girl, whoever she is, looks exactly like a younger version of my wife, which I found disturbing but also kind of arousing. I started masterbating and Rob almost caught me when he barged into the den looking for his phone. He saw me masterbating, but not what I was materbating to or that I had his phone. So my question is this: how do you delete the browsing history on Safari? The phone is an iphone 6 and I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m a PC person and have never had to deal with Safari before. .
—Stereotypical Tech Illiterate Dad
Here you are asking The Lord for tech support when what you should be asking for is forgiveness. Everyone knows that masturbation makes me cry, and yet you went and did it anyway. And don’t think it doesn’t count just because you didn’t blast your load until after your son left the room. But it’s not too late for you to repent. Because you haven’t even acknowledged your guilt in the matter, your punishment goes beyond simply holding a rosary and reciting prayers. What I need you to do is to once again look at that video of your son fucking his girlfriend and stroke it until you get nice and hard. Once you are thick and throbbing, I want you to slam your dick in The Bible as hard as you can. Doesn’t really matter the specific Gospel you use, as long as it is something in the middle. Repeat this until you no longer have the urge to masturbate. If, for some reason, this punishment actually increases your desire to pleasure yourself, then try it again in a church, preferably in the middle of Sunday mass.
As for your tech problems, that is outside my field of expertise. Unfortunately, my omnipotence doesn’t extend to 21st Century technology. In fact, I’m not even typing this answer myself—I’m having Pope Francis take dictation for me right now. One of these days, I’ll have to get him to show me how to use The Twitter. Anyway, good luck with the phone.
—Jesus H. Christ
I’m not sure you were even using Safari in the first place. If you were looking at a video in his Dropbox, wouldn’t you have just been using the Dropbox app? If that is the case, just close the app. It’ll probably still indicate to him that the video was recently accessed, but I’m sure he himself has recently watched it, so there’s no reason he’d assume that you were the last person to see it.
If per chance you are feeling a little guilty about watching your son’s video, I think I have a way you can make it up to him. You and your wife need to make an extra raunchy video of the two of you fucking and then share it to your son’s Dropbox. His girlfriend does look an awful lot like your wife, so I’m sure he’ll love it. Fair is fair, right? Spare no expense with the production value. Maybe make it a sexy office scene and film it at your office after hours. Maybe the cleaning crew will join in so it can be a big orgy. Oh, and make sure to include a scene with your wife pegging you in the ass with a strap-on. Your son is really into pegging these days.
—Lucifer, Prince of Darkness