Divine Advice for Shaq

H. Seitz November 1, 2021 0 Divine Advice Babe, Galactus, Hellboy, Homestyle Buffet, Jesus, Paul Bunyan, Satan, Shaq, Shaquille O'Neal

Original photo by Keith Allison (cropped)

Dear DA, I may not be the greatest basketball player of all time or even the best center, but when it comes to eating pancakes, I stand alone. Even when colleges were recruiting me, the one thing that impressed coaches more than my size and natural athleticism was my Shaqernatural ability to eat pancakes. You can google it. All of them agreed I was destined for greatness, and every single coach I ever ate breakfast with still talks about the insane amount of pancakes I can put away.(I mean amount, not number, because when I eat, food is measured by cubic kilo). I was feared on the court, but I was even more feared at the Homestyle Buffet. Near the end, when I was pushing 500 pounds, they could hear me coming from across the parking lot and knew it was over. Check it: every city with an NBA team,…
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Divine Advice For Chewbacca

H. Seitz May 6, 2019 0 Divine Advice Alden Ehrenreich, Big Foot, Carrie Fisher, Chewbacca, Chewy, Emma Watson, George Lucas, Harrison Ford, Hayden Christensen, J.J. Abrams, James Earl Jones, Kenny Baker, Loch Ness Monster, Mark Hamill, Michael Jordan, Nessie, Peter Mayhew, R2-D2, Rian Johnson, Shaq, Shaquille O'Neal, Star Wars, Yeti

Original photo by Quarax

Dear DA, I’ve lived a long, happy life and all I had to do was dress up as Chewbacca every other decade or so. I didn’t even have to talk or grunt. All of those Chewbacca noises are combinations of lions, bears, and a constipated George Lucas trying to squeeze one out. You know that sad, resigned little wail Chewbacca does? That’s George when he looks down into the toilet bowl after straining for two hours and sees a turd about the size and consistency of a brown M&M. Another bit of Star Wars trivia: George played the black Ewok, and he sometimes filled in for Kenneth George Baker when the R2D2 can got too hot. Kenneth told me he sometimes found little brown M&Ms in there afterward, they were a bit melted but free chocolate is free chocolate. I never had the heart to tell him. Dying is never…
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Divine Advice For Aaron Judge

H. Seitz April 1, 2019 0 Divine Advice Aaron Judge, Angelina Jolie, CC Sabathia, Derek Jeter, Fezzik, Giancarlo Stanton, Kazaam, Kirk Cameron, Pearl Jam, Princess Bride, Ray Comfort, Shaq, Shaquille O'Neal

Original photo by Keith Allison

Dear DA, I’m Derek Jeter’s spiritual successor, and those are big shoes to fill. Thankfully, I’m literally a monster. I’m almost seven feet tall and weigh nearly 300 pounds, so I’m naturally calm and confident around “normals.” People say I remind them of Jeter with the way I carry myself, and they’re right. I’m a genuinely nice, decent, open guy. The problem is that I’m hungry all the time. I was signing a kid’s glove yesterday and for a split second, I had an overwhelming desire to pick him up and eat him. I talked to CC Sabathia about this, he’s a veteran and a champion and a lot of us younger guys look up to him. He’s also enormous just like me. I thought he’d be able to help me, but he has the exact same problem. He was signing some fan’s baby (some fans are weird) and told…
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