Tag Archive: Scorpio
The Skull Island Times > Scorpio
H. Seitz
July 10, 2020
Horoscopes
Aquarius, Aries, Cancer, Capricorn, Gemini, Horoscopes, Leo, Libra, Pisces, Sagittarius, Scorpio, Taurus, Virgo
Cancer Sure it’s fun to hang out with your cousin. He has an Xbox, he lets you drink his mom’s wine coolers, and he has the special edition Twilight box set with the pop-up Kristen Stewart. But do you ever wonder why your crotch is always so sore the next morning and you can barely remember a thing? On second thought, maybe don’t bother wondering and just stop hanging out with your cousin. Leo I think it’s time we put an end to this farce. You’re on your third mortgage, pay two grand a month in alimony, and are lucky to have the dead-end, mid-management job you somehow managed to con your way into. Unless you win the lottery or get struck by a meteor, your life, for all practical purposes, is over. Virgo Technically, it’s possible that you could quit drugs and turn your…
Read more
H. Seitz
July 20, 2019
Horoscopes
Aquarius, Aries, Cancer, Capricorn, Gemini, Leo, Libra, Pisces, Sagittarius, Scorpio, Taurus, Virgo
Aries You ever get the feeling that your life is going nowhere because of a few pivotal mistakes you made when you were too young to know any better? There’s a good reason for that. But if it’s any consolation, your life wouldn’t have gone anywhere anyway. They tend not to nowadays. Taurus What kind of person chooses the President over their own friends and family? Just think about that for a few seconds. You. Chose a guy. You do not know. Who does not care about you. Over your friends and family. Who actually do care about you. Or did. Gemini The good news: you’re going to be reelected President of the United States of America. The bad news: you’re going to be reelected President of the United States of America. Some more good news: your second term will only last three months. Once you default on your Chinese…
Read more
H. Seitz
March 5, 2019
Horoscopes
Aquarius, Aries, Cancer, Capricorn, Fight Club, Gemini, Jeff Bezos, Jesus Christ, Leo, Libra, Logan's Run, Maria Singer, neanderthal, Pisces, Sagittarius, Scorpio, Taurus, Virgo
Just in case any of you might have forgotten: This isn’t just another one of those “horoscopes” that spews out vague platitudes that could apply to anyone. No no no. When you’re reading and start to think “gee whiz, this really seems to be about me,” that’s because it is. The stars know. I know. Your horoscope seems like it’s about all of those intimate details you shared with me in confidence because it is. You can’t have it both ways. You can either get cryptic gibberish, or a real, straight from the tea leaves/horse’s mouth/duck’s intestines horoscope. A lot of horses and ducks had to die for these horoscopes. Now that I think about it, the horses didn’t actually have to be killed, but rest assured, they’re all dead. We are very special apes. We’re the apes that laugh and cry, like chimps, baboons (technically monkeys), and gorillas.…
Read more
H. Seitz
December 7, 2018
Horoscopes
Ariana Grande, Aries, Barack Obama, Beyonce, Cancer, Capricorn, Charles Manson, David Letterman, Donald Trump, Ed Gein, Elvis Presley, Gemini, Hillary Clinton, Hitler, Jeffrey Dahmer, Jennifer Lopez, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jessica ALba, John Wayne Gacy, Kayne West, Leo, Libra, Matt Damon, Meryl Streep, Muhammad Ali, Neve Campbell, Pancreatic, Pol Pot, Rosa Parks, Sagittarius, Saoirse Ronan, Scorpio, Shakira, Taurus, Taylor Swift, Ted Bundy, Virgo
Aries: “The truth will set you free” is just an expression. It doesn’t actually work in court. Famous Aries: Saoirse Ronan, Hitler, David Letterman Taurus: No matter how hard you work and successful you are, we all die disappointed and alone. Remember that before starting your next big project. Famous Taurus: Pol Pot, Jessica Alba Gemini: Every year you decide you’re finally going to change, and every year you’re wrong. Congratulations on finally giving up. Famous Geminis: Jeffrey Dahmer, Kanye West, Donald Trump Cancer: There’s no easy way to say this, so I’m just going to say it: people have had enough of your nonsense and you should really just shut up and disappear for awhile. But on the brightside, this was a lot easier to say than I thought it’d be. Famous Cancers: Ariana Grande, Meryl Streep, Pancreatic Leo: After a lifetime of generosity and loyalty, you can’t…
Read more
