Tag Archive: Sarah Huckabee Sanders

Divine Advice For Mark K. Sargent

Dear DA, I’m a moviestar thanks to the Netflix documentary Behind the Curve and I’m practically a hero now. A brave, reluctant hero who had the guts to blame being a virgin on the entire world being rigged against him. It’s all a scam, man! For every kid who was ever told that 3 times 5 doesn’t equal 19 or that Columbus didn’t ride a wooly mammoth when he discovered Australia or that girls don’t have cooties, Mark K. Sargent is there to say why not? Flat earth theory is the “fun” conspiracy theory. We sing songs about the earth being flat and mock the ancient Greeks who somehow managed to discern more about the nature of reality with twigs and wells than we can with 21st century technology. Everything that disagrees with us, like pictures of the earth taken from outer space that literally show that the earth is…
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Divine Advice For Sarah Huckabee Sanders

Dear Jesus and Satan, As a devout evangelical Christian, I take the word of God literally. And God made Donald Trump president. That’s how a democracy works. So I take the word of Trump literally, or at least as a literal interpretation of God’s will. So automatically, whatever he says or does is what’s best for America. Because God. So whatever I say or do on his behalf, no matter how contradictory, inflammatory, or outright false, is actually a higher truth. I would ask why some Americans don’t get this, but I already know. It’s because they’re heathens. They haven’t had the evangelical training that I have, so they don’t understand God’s logic, and this frustrates me because God’s logic is so simple I can sum it up in two words: Because God. Why is abortion bad? Because God. Why should Americans have the right to unlimited firepower? Because God.…
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