Divine Advice For James Madison

H. Seitz October 14, 2019 0 Divine Advice Adam Conover, Gandhi, James Madison. Founding Fathers, Jesus Christ, Manifest Destiny, Roy Moore, Satan, US Constitution

Greetings and Salutations, As the author of the 2nd Amendment, I’m writing in to set the record straight. The Founding Fathers fully intended for every American to embrace his God-given right to unlimited firepower. We pre-supposed machine guns, mustard gas, and even nuclear weapons, and our attitude was and is that if you can afford it, it is your prerogative to bear it. All this nonsense about muskets or whatever you can hold in your arms, it’s communism is what it is! Americans were supposed to have mechanical arms by now, powered by steam, and able to hoist four score and seven muskets a piece. The Gatling gun was actually my idea. I tied six muskets round a wagon wheel. Because of the technological limitations of the day, I had to use slaves to powder and load the muskets and keep the wheel turning, but I had a steam prototype…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For Sarah Huckabee Sanders

H. Seitz March 11, 2018 0 Divine Advice Catholic, Christian, Donald Trump, Evangelical, Jehovah's Witness, Jesus, Mel Gibson, Mike Huckabee, Mormon, Pope Francis, Rick Santorum, Roy Moore, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, Satan, Stephen Baldwin, Tom Cruise, Tomi Lahren

Dear Jesus and Satan, As a devout evangelical Christian, I take the word of God literally. And God made Donald Trump president. That’s how a democracy works. So I take the word of Trump literally, or at least as a literal interpretation of God’s will. So automatically, whatever he says or does is what’s best for America. Because God. So whatever I say or do on his behalf, no matter how contradictory, inflammatory, or outright false, is actually a higher truth. I would ask why some Americans don’t get this, but I already know. It’s because they’re heathens. They haven’t had the evangelical training that I have, so they don’t understand God’s logic, and this frustrates me because God’s logic is so simple I can sum it up in two words: Because God. Why is abortion bad? Because God. Why should Americans have the right to unlimited firepower? Because God.…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For Roy Moore

H. Seitz December 18, 2017 0 Divine Advice Charles Barkley, Chris Christie, Chris Christy, Cinnabun, Jesus, Lucifer, Michael Moore, Roy Moore, Satan

Dear DA, I blame my wife for all of this. I sure as hell ain’t gonna blame myself. If she had only been 30 years younger and stayed that way forever, none of this would’ve ever happened. I’m not admitting to anything, just like I’m not conceding the election, but why would I go around chasing teenage girls if I already had one tucked away at home? We’ve always had our differences, my wife and me. Not only does she refuse to be 30 years younger and stay that way, she’s also into cock and I’m into vagina. I’m afraid that might be too much of a difference to overcome. This is why I prefer teenage lesbians. They like vagina, too, and the only one happy in this scenario is me. Anyways, what I need from you is to murder Charles Barkley. Not for my sake, but for the country’s.…
Read more

Share this post:

Tag Archive: Roy Moore