Tag Archive: OJ SImpson

Divine Advice For Bill Cosby

Dear DA, As you might well know, I’m a free man, completely exonerated! I did absolutely nothing wrong! In this day and age, it’s very difficult to say. They let me go, but they let OJ go, too, but in my case, what would be the point? I’m 84 years old. I’m too old and crazy to even remember what I might have done back in the day. I dream about Lisa Bonet sometimes and Jell-O Pudding Pops, but aside from a few vague memories, my life is a blur. Probably like all those women felt while I was raping them. My point is that context matters. Didn’t Morgan Freeman pull something like this? Once you get past 80, you should be considered legally dead and therefore allowed to do anything. They can’t punish you for something you did in the 80s, because you’re already dead! Even that young honky…
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Divine Advice For Tom Hanks

Dear Jesus and Satan, Looking back at my career, I’m a little bit panicked about how some of my previous roles might be interpreted nowadays. Especially with all of these scandals coming out of the woodwork. My first big break, I played a guy who pretended to be a transvestite (Can you pretend to be a transvestite? Doesn’t pretending to be one make you one?) so he could get cheap rent in a women’s dormitory and stalk Donna Dixon. Technically, I was pretending to be a woman, but still. It isn’t exactly a role that would make transvestites proud. But I’m not too worried about it because the show was never that big. What I am worried about is Forrest Gump. If I had known then what I know now, I would have insisted that a differently abled actor got the role. Pretending to be differently abled might be just…
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