Tag Archive: MLB
The Skull Island Times > MLB
H. Seitz
August 24, 2020
Divine Advice
Cespedes, Detective Pokemon, Duck Dynasty, Field of Dreams, Jesus Christ, Major League Baseball, Major League II, MLB, NY Mets, Rob Manfred, Satan, Sonic the Hedgehog, the History Channel, The Natural, Wreck-It Ralph II, Yankees, Zach Galifianakis
Dear DA, If you’re watching from up there, I apologize. What can I say? This is a mess. A bizarre, unmitigated mess. Teams keep getting COVID, Yankees keep getting injured, and of course, the Mets continue to be the bane of my existence. Something is wrong with them. Players like Cespedes decide they aren’t going to play anymore and just wander off, like they’re volunteering at a soup kitchen, and the Mets are totally fine with it. Can you imagine a player doing that on the Yankees? Or even just a regular guy doing that at his job? Literally just wandering off one day, after you just paid him millions of dollars? It’s like the Mets just don’t get it, that they’re a professional baseball team, and that there are certain standards. Then they go and get COVID right before playing the Yankees, our biggest cash cow. I swear I…
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H. Seitz
May 27, 2019
Divine Advice
Arby's Build-a-Bear Carl's Jr., Danica Patrick, Donald Trump, Gatorade, GoDaddy, Jeff Foxworthy, Jeff Gordon, Jesus Christ, Mike Helton, MLB, NASCAR, NBA, NFL, NHL, Satan, Victoria's Secret, Yankees
Dear DA, I noticed Trump has started putting up signage on his podium when he goes out to make a speech or do a press conference. It’s like I’ve been sayin’ all along: Trump is truly our first NASCAR president. Him and I are of a similar mind (and haircut), and this little idea is catching like wildfire. The NBA, NHL, NFL; hell, even MLB is starting to sell space on their unis. Even the Yankees. They refuse to sell the naming rights to their stadium for now, which has to make you hate them just a little bit less, but they’ll come around. Before you know it, Yankee Stadium will be the Google Thunderdome and all of their uniforms will be covered in patches for Arby’s, Build-a-Bear, Carl’s Junior and the like. I’ll betcha even Victoria’s Secret gets in on the act. Won’t that be something? Some 6’4” greaser…
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H. Seitz
April 15, 2019
Divine Advice
Baltimore Orioles, Boston Red Sox, Chris Davis, Jesus, Major League Baseball, MLB, Satan
Dear DA, I play Major League Baseball for the Baltimore Orioles, so you’ve probably never heard of me, and if you have, well, it’s probably because I kind of stink lately. I’m in an 0 for 53 slump, which is historically bad. Like literally historically the worst ever except for pitchers, but pitchers aren’t really people. They’re actually more like fascists or monsters, unholy sub-human monsters who keep throwing baseballs at me really hard, and I can’t hit them. I’m powerless to hit them. They won’t bench me because they’re paying me too much. It’s great having all that money, but I really wish they’d just bench me. The best part of playing baseball is all the sitting involved. This is why I chose baseball over more demanding sports like ping pong or dominos. I really need some help, and I’m willing to do whatever it takes. My soul, my…
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H. Seitz
July 9, 2018
Divine Advice
Bartolo Colón, Jesus, Major League Baseball, MLB, Montreal Expos, NY Mets, NY Yankees, Satan, Texas Rangers, World Series
Dear Jesus and Satan, I was watching the Texas Rangers play and saw Bartolo Colón was pitching. I figured it must be Bartolo Colón’s son. I saw Bartolo Colón pitch for the Indians in 97, so there’s no way that he could still be playing. He’d be a fat old man. But the Bartolo Colón pitching was a fat old man, and he still had some life in his fastball. My first thought was that he must be juicing. Look at that old lard. He looks like a drunk security guard or an old-timey butcher, and he’s still touching 90mph with his heater. My kids don’t play baseball. The entire I reason played baseball (and apparently still do) is so they wouldn’t have to. It isn’t just the juice they’d need to stay strong and crazy, it’s all the hallucinogens, cocaine, and opioids, too. I didn’t want my kids going…
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