Tag Archive: Jar Jar Binks
The Skull Island Times > Jar Jar Binks
H. Seitz
September 2, 2019
Divine Advice
abortion, Anakin Skywalker, Ben Kenobi, Boba Fett, Darth Vader, Disney, Ewan McGregor, Ewoks, Force Ghost, Hayden Christensen, Jar Jar Binks, Jedi, Jesus, Kevin James, King of Queens, Leah Remini, Luke, Mickey Mouse, Natalie Portman, Obi Wan Kenobi, Padme, Satan, Sir Alec Guinness, Slave Leia, Star Wars, Tatooine
Dear DA, I’m writing in as Ben Kenobi because this question pertains to the time I spent as Ben Kenobi. You might have noticed that Tatooine doesn’t have much of a need for skilled laborers aside from mechanics or computer techs (damn droids/immigrants), and aside from sword fighting, which would be too suspicious, and being really bad at diplomacy, which actually helps you to be a successful diplomat (if you can never solve any problems, there’s your job security right there—unless of course, a war breaks out, which they inevitably do), I have no marketable skills. Or at least that’s what I thought. There are slaves on Tatooine and other problems, and like most places, you need someone to solve those problems, illegally or not. As I can feel the Force flowing through all living things, I made an incredibly good exterminator. There wasn’t much prestige in that, but I…
Read more
Ryan Klemek
September 10, 2018
Divine Advice
Catholic Church, Data, God, Gungans, Jar Jar Binks, Jesus, Satan, Star Trek, Star Wars, The Devil, Wesley
Dear Divine Advice, I don’t know who to turn to. I have a strange sexual orientation, and I haven’t told my family or friends yet. I’m not even sure how this would work, but here goes. I am a Robosexual and Kaijusexual. I have a thing for robots, and also for a very specific type of monster. It lives in the ocean and has a giant claw, and is part cephalopod. How do I handle this? I can’t stand the thought of being with a human being. Robots with their emotionless demeanor seem perfect as I can just program them to react a certain way. I particularly like this one butler bot who calls everyone “Wesley”, but I haven’t actually met a robot yet. As for the Kaiju monster, I don’t think they really exist. But I wish they did. I would be the best girlfriend to one. Jesus, how…
Read more
RK Galaga
July 2, 2018
Divine Advice
Alden Ehrenreich, Bossk, Carrie Fisher, Disney, George Lucas, Han Solo, Harrison Ford, IG-88, J.J. Abrams, Jabba the Hutt, Jar Jar Binks, Jesus, Leia, Obi Wan Kenobi, Rian Johnson, Rogue One, Satan, Solo: A Star Wars Story, Star Trek, The Force Awakens, The Last Jedi, Trekkie
Dear Divine Advice, I think I ruined Star Wars. What should I do? Sincerely, Alden Ehrenreich Dear Alden Ehrenreich, You know what? You did ruin Star Wars. You want my advice? Go to a fuckin’ zoo and feed yourself to a Wookiee. Or a tiger—I’m so angry right now, I don’t remember which one of those is real. I created a lot of animals, but there were also blueprints for some that never got made. Over the years, I’ve gone and put some of those rejects in movie scripts. Not directly, of course. I use a process I like to call Divine Osmosis. I whisper bits of ideas to writers while they’re sleeping or drunk. I don’t pretend to be much of a writer myself—at least not until recently. I’m actually the One who wrote the screenplay for Star Wars: The Force Awakens. It wasn’t easy for me to let…
Read more
H. Seitz
December 11, 2017
Divine Advice
2 Live Crew, Apocalypse, Bible, Carrie Fisher, Daisy Ridley, George Lukas, Gungan, Jar Jar Binks, Jesus, Luke Skywalker, Luther Campbell, Mark Hamill, Me So Horny, Mon Mothma, New Testament, Obi Wan, Old Testament, Princess Leia, Satan, Star Wars
Dear DA, I’ve been living in a cave on a planet that might as well be Ireland. The people here are very uncomfortable with fucking, they fuck through holes in sheets like fucking Jehova’s witnesses and are basically the biggest fucking prudes ever. In 30 years I’ve gotten three, maybe four handjobs tops and that’s it. So of course my cave is filled with hardcore pornography. I would have gone completely crazy if I didn’t have all that sweet porn. While we’re being honest with ourselves, or I’m being honest with you, which includes you because I’m a nice guy, we might as well admit porn is the shit. Anyway, this cute little English chick showed up a little while ago and I really want to fuck her. Her body is an eight and I’d give her face a soft five, but her ass is a ten. It’s the kind…
Read more
