Divine Advice For Concerned Witch

Ryan Klemek September 3, 2018 0 Divine Advice Aquaman, Bible, Christians, Garden of Eden, Jesus, New Testament, Old Testament, Red Tide, Satan, The Devil

Dear Divine Advice, Once more I write to you. This time because of another stupid, blind follower of yours, Jesus. Seems this person has decided that a mistranslated story is worth believing more than actual facts, or learning for themselves. This person decided that the story of Jonah and the whale is a true story. As a witch who has studied these magnificent creatures of yours extensively, I can assure you Jonah was swallowed either by a Grouper (they can be as big as a ship’s engine room!) or a catfish, not a whale! Nor was it a shark. Sharks don’t like human flesh. They told me themselves. How can I teach these stupid humanoids that not every story is true? Why do they insist that stories that were more about learning morals than being truthful are true? Also Jesus, why do you keep sending your goons to me when…
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Divine Advice For Luke Skywalker

H. Seitz December 11, 2017 0 Divine Advice 2 Live Crew, Apocalypse, Bible, Carrie Fisher, Daisy Ridley, George Lukas, Gungan, Jar Jar Binks, Jesus, Luke Skywalker, Luther Campbell, Mark Hamill, Me So Horny, Mon Mothma, New Testament, Obi Wan, Old Testament, Princess Leia, Satan, Star Wars

Dear DA, I’ve been living in a cave on a planet that might as well be Ireland. The people here are very uncomfortable with fucking, they fuck through holes in sheets like fucking Jehova’s witnesses and are basically the biggest fucking prudes ever. In 30 years I’ve gotten three, maybe four handjobs tops and that’s it. So of course my cave is filled with hardcore pornography. I would have gone completely crazy if I didn’t have all that sweet porn. While we’re being honest with ourselves, or I’m being honest with you, which includes you because I’m a nice guy, we might as well admit porn is the shit. Anyway, this cute little English chick showed up a little while ago and I really want to fuck her. Her body is an eight and I’d give her face a soft five, but her ass is a ten. It’s the kind…
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Divine Advice for a Cannibal

RK Galaga May 8, 2017 0 Divine Advice Anton LaRey, Bible, cannibal, Jesus, Satan, Satanic Bible

Dear Jesus and Satan, Yesterday I ate a guy. I wasn’t even, like, in a plane crash in the mountains or anything. I just saw a guy who looked tasty and then I ate him. Should I not have done that? Both the regular Bible and the Satanic Bible are unclear on the subject. Sincerely, A Cannibal Dear Cannibal, Short answer: You shouldn’t have eaten the guy. Please don’t eat any more people. The only “human flesh” you should ever eat is mine, when you make Communion on Sundays. I know, I know—it’s not the same. Little stale crackers aren’t very satisfying when you crave flesh, but that’s the way it is. You know, I asked Luke to put a bit in his gospel about how you shouldn’t eat people, but somehow it didn’t make it in there. It’s probably too late to edit it now, seeing as how everyone’s already…
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Tag Archive: Bible