Tag Archive: Baron Trump
The Skull Island Times > Baron Trump
H. Seitz
July 20, 2020
Divine Advice
Anthony Fauci, Baron Trump, Barron Trump, COVID-19, Don Jr., Donald Trump, Eric Trump, Ivanka, Jesus Christ, Mr. Belvedere, Robert Goulet, Satan, Tiffany Trump, Timothy Harleth
Dear DA, Where to begin. I passed Dr. Anthony Fauci this morning sitting alone in a chair facing the corner, like a kid who was being punished. All that was missing was a dunce cap. According to Dr. Faucci, the President told him he was on a “time out” for getting too excited about COVID-19. According to Trump, no matter how many people are dying, that’s no reason to get “snippy,” and frankly, he’s getting tired of hearing about it. Every morning, it’s COVID-19 this and COVID-19 that. Obviously Dr. Faucci had never been to finishing school, otherwise he would have learned that it’s rude to keep talking about diseases all the time. I also passed Ivanka. She was sitting on an ottoman talking to a can of beans and looked terrified. The Trump boys were playing in their pillow fort as usual. They flip a coin to see who…
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H. Seitz
February 5, 2018
Divine Advice
Baron Trump, Donald Trump, Ivanka Trump, Jesus, Melania Trump, Michelle Obama, President Trump, Satan, The Devil, The Donald
Dear DA, I’m considering leaving my husband. It isn’t just the cheating or the humiliation or him lusting after his own goddamn daughter, it’s everything. He wears trusses whenever he goes out in public. Multiple trusses. And even with the trusses, he looks like a slob. And his odor. He smells like old ketchup and Play-Doh. When I feed him his bedtime cheeseburgers, I have to mash them up in a blender first and put a bib on him. A fucking bib. And when he wakes up in the morning, I have to bathe and dress him. He’s always obstinate about taking his bath. Then there’s the baby powder and the diaper and the trusses. His suits look funny because they’re all onesies. He can’t even tie his own fucking shoes. When I was pregnant with Baron and stopped having my period, he was afraid that Baron might be a…
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