Author Archive: H. Seitz
The Skull Island Times > Articles by: H. Seitz
H. Seitz is the author of the Sci-fi novella "Iron Manimal" and a contributing writer at The Skull Island Times.
H. Seitz
April 3, 2017
Divine Advice
Dear DA, I was googling porn at work, nothing too crazy, just things like “white shit”, “donkey dildo”, and ” mega anal.” After a couple hours, I got an email telling me that I was a pervert, and it was signed “Sincerely, Google.” Does this mean that Google is God now? And if so, is the mighty Google good or evil? I tried to google these questions but I didn’t get a definitive answer. I’m afraid to use Google now, what should I do? Also, there’s this new movie I’ve heard about called Beauty and the Beast. I’m assuming it’s rated X and that I’ll love it, but like I said, I’m afraid to use Google. So what do you think? Is it worth $15? Sincerely, —Scaredy Cat Pervert Dear Scaredy Cat Pervert, If Superman was still around, I’d command him to throw you into the sun. And it is…
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H. Seitz
March 20, 2017
Divine Advice
Dear Divine Advice, I’ve been reading your column since the early 90’s. If I remember correctly, didn’t it used to be advice from Superman and Lex Luthor? Whatever happened to those guys? Sincerely, —Comicbooksexydude69 Dear Comicbooksexydude69, Superman and Lex Luthor did fill in for us for a few months back in the early 90’s, I was in serious need of some personal time. Being The All Powerful All Knowing King of Heaven and Earth can be stressful. In any case, I had to let Superman and Lex Luthor go, primarily because of Superman. If you haven’t already noticed, Superman doesn’t exactly have the largest skill set when it comes to solving problems. He either punches his problems really hard, burns his problems with his heat vision, or throws his problems into outer space, and Lex Luthor always agreed with him. There was never any conflict, and that makes for dull…
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H. Seitz
March 9, 2017
Fiction
9 a.m. to 6 p.m. My first day on the job. I heard the dishwasher I was replacing arguing with a female supervisor. He had worked from 6 p.m. to 9 a.m. and she was claiming that he had only worked for three hours. He protested sadly. Being a poor, black, 40 some odd year old dishwasher, he knew he was going to lose. The Sheraton Hotel. Of all the dishwashing machines I had ever encountered, this one was the largest and meanest. The water was never below boiling. No plastic gloves were supplied. The first hour wasn’t bad. There were no dishes. Only a few pots and pans. I took care of them and smoked cigarettes. The chef approached me and ordered me to skin potatoes. He was a small, greasy looking man. I skinned potatoes, smoked cigarettes, and listened to the radio. For $7.00 an hour, I could…
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H. Seitz
March 6, 2017
Divine Advice
Dear Divine Advice, I really need some help. I should probably see a psychologist but I lost my job, I don’t have any health insurance, I’m not even sure if it would’ve covered a psychologist anyway. The good news is I can still write letters. Anyway, it started about two weeks ago. I stepped into a giant pile of dogshit and screamed “MONKEYS!” Kind of a weird thing to scream in that situation. My friends laughed at me, we were all pretty drunk, it just seemed kind of random. But the next day, my friend Lucy said hello to me and instead of saying hello back I screamed “MONKEYS!” She looked at me funny, I tried to apologize but when I opened my mouth I screamed “MONKEYS!” again, I had to put my hand over my mouth to stop screaming “MONKEYS!”. That episode passed, but in the days to follow…
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H. Seitz
March 1, 2017
Fiction
In the caveman days, the entire world was full of retards walking off cliffs, eating raw meat, batting women over the head with clubs and dragging them off to be raped. The stupider ones died off, leaving us. Jason Call. In kindergarten he pissed in a corner, mooning the entire class. We all knew then that he was fucked. That he was in for a lifetime of ridicule and torture. Once, when we were about 11, he asked if he could use my bathroom. A neighborhood boy, Matt, had told me that he’d let Jason use his bathroom once and he’d shit all over the walls and the floor. Matt had had to clean it. Jason lived about 50 feet from each of us, the entire thing seemed ludicrous. Maybe he wanted to mark our bathrooms, to expand his territory. “Go home and use your own bathroom, retard. And try…
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H. Seitz
February 27, 2017
Divine Advice
Dear Divine Advice, Is there any way I could commit suicide and still be allowed into heaven? Or at least cat heaven? And does suicide automatically send me to hell, or is there a chance I’d end up in purgatory? And lastly, and I don’t mean to sound suspicious, but please just tell me the truth, am I already in hell or purgatory? It seems a lot like purgatory most of the time, except I still seem to be getting older, I still need to eat, use the toilet, etc. Do you guys still use the toilet? Sincerely, Mark Twain Dear Mark Twain, I’ll be straight with you here. There was a mix-up with your paperwork and you ended up in purgatory. Unfortunately, since I am technically perfect and incapable of making mistakes, what’s done cannot be undone. Better get comfortable, because your assignment is permanent. Sorry about that. We’d…
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H. Seitz
February 22, 2017
Fiction
My family moved from an apartment complex to a house in the suburbs when I was seven or eight years old. We had televisions, food, lawnmowers, a couple malls, enough to make it almost bearable in a monotonous way. In the fall I raked leaves, in the winter I shoveled snow, all the while going to school. In the summer I slept late and did nothing. Or at least I used to sleep late. The first summer in our new house it began, every morning at 6 AM, VROOM VROOM VROOM!, some asshole mowing their lawn, every morning at the crack of dawn some lawn mowing idiot with no reason to live who woke up day after day to mow the lawn anyway. The first few years I only vaguely noticed it. It was a small part of the day and I was young enough to accept it blindly without…
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H. Seitz
February 14, 2017
Fiction
Ramsey had been sitting alone in the waiting room for 45 minutes. His appointment was scheduled to begin over half an hour ago and no one else had come or gone. A nurse behind the reception counter was yelling something in Spanish into a cell phone. Ramsey walked over to her protected counter and tapped on the glass. “Excuse me. I’ve been here for almost an hour.” She held a finger up to him to wait and slipped a clipboard under the glass partition. “I already filled one of those out. Will you get off the damn phone for a second?” She said something apologetic into the phone and put it face down against her shoulder. “What can I do for you?” “I’ve been waiting here for almost an hour. Is the doctor in?” She looked at him and seemed to recognize him. “I’m sorry sweetie, just give me a…
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H. Seitz
February 14, 2017
Divine Advice
Dear Divine Advice, Last night, I had a crazy dream, and I’m hoping you might help me figure out what it means. It started with me on a date with Zombie Mother Teresa. We were watching Driving Miss Daisy in the local movie house, and at some point we both reached into the popcorn bucket at the same time. Our hands touched, and suddenly we were both overcome with lust. I looked into her milky pupil-less eyes, and the next thing I know, we’re naked on the sticky floor, fucking like a couple of wild dogs. Then the guy in the row in front of us turns around, and I see that it’s Pope Francis. Embarrassed, I immediately stop thrusting and pull out of Zombie Mother Teresa. But then realize that the Pope is actually smiling at us. He stands up and I see that he, too, is naked, with…
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H. Seitz
February 7, 2017
Divine Advice
Dear Divine Advice, I just started watching The Americans and I love it, but Felicity really scares me nowadays. Why is she so angry and violent? Does it have anything to do with Ben? And did that stuff really happen with Russia, was the Soviet Union an actual thing? It seems like if the Soviet Union was really like that, Ben and Felicity would have gotten really fat after moving to America, like those Eastern European hockey players who defected in the 70s.I tried to ask my husband about this and he just looked at me like I was crazy. What should I do? And why did Felicity cut her hair? Is that why she’s been away for so long? Sincerely, Nancy Pelosi Dear Nancy Pelosi, I have to be honest, you seem like a real bitch. Those Eastern European hockey players that defected in the 70’s you mentioned are…
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