Divine Advice For Scardey Cat

Dear DA,

I was googling porn at work, nothing too crazy, just things like “white shit”, “donkey dildo”, and ” mega anal.” After a couple hours, I got an email telling me that I was a pervert, and it was signed “Sincerely, Google.” Does this mean that Google is God now? And if so, is the mighty Google good or evil? I tried to google these questions but I didn’t get a definitive answer. I’m afraid to use Google now, what should I do? Also, there’s this new movie I’ve heard about called Beauty and the Beast. I’m assuming it’s rated X and that I’ll love it, but like I said, I’m afraid to use Google. So what do you think? Is it worth $15?

—Scaredy Cat Pervert

Dear Scaredy Cat Pervert,

If Superman was still around, I’d command him to throw you into the sun. And it is sacrilege to even suggest that Google is a divine being. That’s called worshipping a false idol, and you can go to hell for that. In any case, you are a disgrace to humanity, a heathen if you will. Ten Hail Marys and no Beauty and the Beast for you. And for My sake, wash your hands after you’re through defiling yourself. Do you really need to eat Cheetos that badly?

—Jesus the All Knowing

Dear Scaredy Cat Pervert,

Let’s just admit something to ourselves right now. No matter how evil or powerful Google turns out to be, you’ll still use it, because you’re a lazy, spoiled bastard. You’re probably using it right now. (I like your taste in porn, by the way). What you should do is google “Superman vs Jesus”, you’ll get a kick out of it, I know I did. And don’t waste your time with Beauty and the Beast, even if you’re really into Emma Watson, there are better things to see. Ask Jesus. Or better yet, just google it.

—Satan the Dark Lord of the Dancing Snakes

Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to ryan@skullislandtimes.com, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.

H. Seitz
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