Dear DA,
I know a lot of people are trying to cancel me right now, but aren’t we all forgetting about the most fundamental American rights we have?
We each have the right to be stupid, hateful, bigoted buffoons. This is what made America great, and what will make America great again.
You can’t cancel someone for being a wall-eyed moron. You’d have to cancel over half of the people on earth.
What the libtards call bigotry I call loyalty to my people, the real Americans who are white, go to church, and repress their homosexual urges.
The way I was raised, if you were born an asymmetrical doofus, you learned to live with it. You didn’t try to do a bunch of fancy book learning just so you could use a slightly cleaner bathroom.
I know Jesus has got my warped back on this one. So thank you in advance.
Sincerely,
Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene
Dear Marj,
Thanks to you, my friends have given me a new nickname: The Jewish Space Laser. I didn’t love it at first, but it’s starting to grow on me. And it’s totally fitting, since I’m the one who started all of those California brush fires. I’m also melting all the glaciers and killing off the bees.
When it comes to plotting The End Times, you’ve been a major inspiration. The fact that you have a cult of morons listening to the bullshit you’re spouting has reminded me just how easily people can be fooled. With all the technology and advancements in science, I was starting to lose faith, but then this whole QAnon nonsense started, and we’re right back to the Stone Age. The cultural climate you’ve helped create has opened up many possibilities for me.
The problem is, as much as you’ve contributed to my agenda, some of your actions have worked against me. My entire plan hinges on my ability to successfully court AOC, and this “Stop the Steal” movement you championed led to the Capital insurrection, which nearly got my beloved vessel killed. You’ll have to be punished. From now on, your underwear will constantly be on fire, and your pubes will be the home of some very unruly parasites. Don’t worry, though; you won’t suffer long. You’ve only got six months to live.
Nah, I’m just kidding.
Or am I? I still haven’t decided.
—Jesus Christ
Dear Marj,
To my dismay, a Google search for “Marjorie Taylor Green nude” yielded zero pictures of you naked. Given how conservative you are, I’m not surprised you haven’t posed for Playboy, but I would’ve thought you’d have some followers with decent Photoshop skills. What I was really hoping for was a deep fake where someone put your head on Stormy Daniels’s body to make it look like you were fucking President Trump. Sure, I could easily see you naked in real life whenever I want. I’ll bet you’d even fuck me for a Senate seat, but there’s just something satisfying about stumbling across this stuff on the Internet. It’s like finding a sunken ship full of doubloons.
While your CrossFit photos weren’t exactly what I was looking for, I did throw some of them into my spank bank. These should get me through the long winter nights until my minions have finished building the Marjbots. The robots will eventually be used in the eternal tortures of many doomed Republican assholes, but in the meantime, I’ll be using them as sexbots. Once you get down here yourself, I may fuck a few of them in front of you and see where that leads. You’ll be welcome—nay, encouraged—to join in. I’d say doing so might earn you an easier sentence, but that could be construed as coercion, and I don’t want to get canceled.
—Satan
Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to ryan@skullislandtimes.com, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.
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