Aries
It’s great that you feel less stressed out, but there’s a difference between resolving your problems and deciding to ignore them. Your sister is still waiting for you to post bail (she stopped calling because that myth about getting just one phone call is kind of true–you get one chance to make a bunch of calls after you’re first processed, then another chance in a week or so, then more chances and privileges as you learn the ropes). Your high blood pressure isn’t going to “decide to bother someone else” just because you refuse to give it attention. That works with girlfriends and puppies, but not with medical issues.
Famous Rams: Kurt Warner, Ram 1500
Taurus
The only reason you have any “friends” is because you’re too oblivious to get the hint that nobody likes you. Your employer and all of your coworkers didn’t just “forget” to tell you that they were moving to a new building, your fiance didn’t move back in with her parents, block your number, and get a restraining order because she thought you were your evil twin, and your dog getting hit by a car was a suicide attempt.
Famous Bullshit: I’m a very stable genius, Trickle-down economics, Christianity
Gemini
You’re the reason shows like Bones and Supernatural are still on the air. The only thing you’ve done in the last 20 years is age. You found someone to marry you and pay the rent, or lucked into an easy job that barely requires you to do anything, and you just kind of stayed. Why bother getting off the couch when your husband can pick you up ice cream on the way home from work in five or six hours? Supernatural won’t be on until noon, but sitting through a couple reruns of Charmed isn’t a bad way to kill time. And you still have cigarettes and a couple of cans of Four Loco leftover from last night. This is actually starting to sound like fun. And all it costs you is a few harrowing moments of existential dread.
Famous Gems: sapphires, garnet, and the Holograms
Cancer
Remember when you used to wonder where those creepy old kooks living in basements and caves came from? How on earth does a person end up like that? Friendless, jobless, and barely living on the fringes of society? Well now you know.
Famous Crabs: Mr. Krabs, Sebastian from The Little Mermaid, Popeye’s limited-time-only deep fried soft shell crab
Leo
Sometimes, a man’s got to do what a man’s got to do. Fortunately for you, this is a dated sentiment. Nowadays, it’s even considered to be sexist, or “not woke.” But your ex-wife is still going to expect child support even though she’s just as equal as you are because it’s the wage gap that’s keeping her down, not the fact that you studied computer science while she majored in gender studies. But if you think about it, which degree is more useful now, you CIS heteronormative piggy bank? Check your privilege! And check, please.
Famous Leos: Leonardo DiCaprio, Leonardo Da Vinci
Virgo
Everything about you is lame. Some people are rams or lions, or at least something interesting like scales or a fish, and you’re just some bargain basement generic angel. You’re the one who’s always harping on people to bail their sister out of jail or stop drinking Four Loco while watching Bones at 11 a.m., but what exactly are you doing? No one really knows because whatever it is, it’s dull. If your dad ever asked your mom what you’re up to nowadays (no one ever asks about you), she’d say “I don’t know. Some bullshit,” and they’d both just shrug their shoulders like yup, of course she is.
Famous Virgins: Mary, Nicola Tesla, Joan of Arc, J. Edgar Hoover
Libra
It’s all fun and games until you come along. You’re the kind of kid who manages to poke her eye out with a crayon, so no more crayons are allowed for anyone. When people ask what’s wrong with kids today, or why America has gone soft, they’re talking about you.
Famous Librarians: Laura Bush, Eratosthenes, Beverly Cleary
Scorpio
Enough with the pictures on Instagram and Facebook already. We get it. You’re living a happy life with your pretty wife in some idyllic little rustic town out west. It isn’t the same as Broadway, but at least you’re still acting, and you’ve even started to get a few leads. You’re a medium fish in a small pond, but you’re happy. It’s going to be so satisfying when you get divorced and end up back in the city waiting tables to pay alimony.
Famous Scorpios: Count Dooku, Diddy
Sagittarius
So you’re working at a turtle nursery, but that’s just for a few weeks, and then you’ll be going to work for NASA as a janitor. And after that, it’s Burning Man. You’re going to be one of the guys who has to vacuum out the porta-potties. It’s a shitty job (tehe), but it pays $26 an hour because no one wants to do it. And you get to go to Burning Man for free, minus your bus fare, food and board.
Famous Sagittarians: Jimi Hendrix, Taylor Swift
Capricorn
Hooray? Kind of? You finally pooped, but it was one of the most unsatisfying poops ever. It was one of those glacial half poops that you’re seemingly wiping away as it emerges, millimeter by excruciating millimeter. And when you’re finally done, or more accurately, have given up, it feels like there’s still at least half a large poop left to go. The moment you stand up, you feel like you have to poop again, so you sit back down, and–nothing. Nothing comes out, but you’re dirty again, so there’s another 10 minutes of wiping to go through. All of this pushing and straining has actually compressed you, thereby locking your feces up even more securely within you. You are now nothing more than a vessel for your poop. Your final, dying poo will be a rock-hard simulacrum of yourself, hunched and straining, and within it, nested like a Russian doll, another poo you, and another, and another, forever straining against eternity.
Famous Sexy Capricorns: Zooey Deschanel, Eliza Dushku, Holly Madison, Dido
Aquarius
You do realize that you’re one half of one of those creepy brother/sister couples? Your husband looks like he could be your twin brother. His hair looks and smells like the trimmings of your pubic hair. But strangely, your dog doesn’t look or smell like either of you, probably because he doesn’t love you. You might be a sociopath, but you most closely resemble an alien or a robot who’s trying to mimic a human based on what you’ve seen on Must See TV. On some days, you’re like a Monica, but on most days, you’re definitely a Rachel. If you are an alien, this is a good strategy. Television characters have replaced the Jungian archetypes they’re based on, and most people learn how to be who they are by watching television. Rather than having to develop an actual personality, all you have to do is remember a handful of superficial traits and how they intersect with our supposed cultural expectations. E.g., A lady doctor? Ha ha ha. I find that deeply offensive. For someone as angry and capricious as you are, the current state of affairs was practically built for you.
Famous Aquarians: Jennifer Aniston (A Rachel just like you!), Vanna White, Rosamund Pike
Pisces
You have no idea how to take the temperature of a room, so you’re always doing and saying things that are completely inappropriate, as opposed to the crap SJWs are always complaining about like butts being too sexy in video games. Butts can never be too sexy in video games. “Give 110%!” is a fine sentiment for the locker room, but not if you work at an abortion clinic, just as “Fly Like an Eagle” is not a good hold song for a suicide hotline and Tickle-Me Elmo is not an appropriate forensic doll for victims of child abuse. Try to put these things into context before acting on them and everything should go back to normal, meaning you’ll be ignored as usual instead of being yelled at.
Famous Pisces: Emily Blunt, Rihanna, Jessica Biel
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