Divine Advice for Deeply Troubled

Who’s hotter? Mona from Who’s the Boss? Or Blanche from The Golden Girls? Why did Hollywood do away with the slutty older woman as a comedic device?

Deeply Troubled

Dear DT,

Mona’s hotter, hands down. But I’m going to argue semantics with your premise here a little bit. I would say that, within the context of The Golden Girls, Blanche would not be considered “older.” She was by far the youngest of the main stars of that show, and I think that is why the writers chose to make her the slutty one. Plus, as a Southern Belle with the name “Blanche,” she was clearly supposed to be a reference to Blanche Dubois in A Streetcar Named Desire. Now, in the play, Blanche is the slutty older sister, a has-been passed her prime, but hardly what you would call “old.” I would also argue that Blanche wasn’t even meant to be the “funny one” on Golden Girls. In the world of sit-coms, stupid always beats out slutty in the “funny” department, and on that show, Rose was the stupidest and funniest. Think about Seinfeld. Who’s the funny one there? Most would say Kramer, not Elaine. Meanwhile, on Who’s the Boss, Mona fits all the criteria of which you speak. She was the oldest, the sluttiest and the funniest. And damn sexy, if I do say so myself.

Now, as for your second question, Hollywood hasn’t given up on the “funny old slut” paradigm altogether, you just have to look a lot harder to find it. An example off the top of my head is Wedding Crashers. Here, Jane Seymour plays super sexy cougar Kathleen “Kitty Kat” Cleary, wife of congressman William Cleary (Christopher Walken) who is constantly trying to get into the pants of a much younger Owen Wilson. She is super proud of how well her tits have held up over the years, and her persistence in her lusty pursuit is hilarious. Although, now that I’m looking on Wikipedia, I see my example is from 2005. I can’t actually think of a more recent example, so maybe you’re right. Maybe Hollywood is just more age-ist than it was in the 80’s.

Anyway, none of this matters. The real issue here is your chronic masturbation. Even though the women you speak of were “slutty” by TV standards, those shows were wholesome, family shows. They were not meant to be wank aid. For your punishment, say a thousand “Our Fathers” and flog yourself with a belt. Going forward, I want you to keep a loaded bear trap under your naked cock whenever you watch these shows in order to better resist temptation.

—Jesus of “The Naz”

Dear DT,

Who gives a shit about stupid sit-coms. If you want to wank to grannies, just go to Pornhub. It’s all there. And if your lust for old sluts is specific to Mona and Blanche, just google “Naked Golden Girls” and “Naked Who’s The Boss.” Come on, man, get with the times.

I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be so grouchy. I’m just in a bad mood today because the rattlesnakes that I usually cram into Hitler’s ass have all died. Now I gotta breed new ones. But I shouldn’t have taken my frustrations out on you.

—Lucifer the Practical

Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to ryan@skullislandtimes.com, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.

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