Tag Archive: Shaq

Divine Advice For Chewbacca

Dear DA, I’ve lived a long, happy life and all I had to do was dress up as Chewbacca every other decade or so. I didn’t even have to talk or grunt. All of those Chewbacca noises are combinations of lions, bears, and a constipated George Lucas trying to squeeze one out. You know that sad, resigned little wail Chewbacca does? That’s George when he looks down into the toilet bowl after straining for two hours and sees a turd about the size and consistency of a brown M&M. Another bit of Star Wars trivia: George played the black Ewok, and he sometimes filled in for Kenneth George Baker when the R2D2 can got too hot. Kenneth told me he sometimes found little brown M&Ms in there afterward, they were a bit melted but free chocolate is free chocolate. I never had the heart to tell him. Dying is never…
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Divine Advice For Aaron Judge

Dear DA, I’m Derek Jeter’s spiritual successor, and those are big shoes to fill. Thankfully, I’m literally a monster. I’m almost seven feet tall and weigh nearly 300 pounds, so I’m naturally calm and confident around “normals.” People say I remind them of Jeter with the way I carry myself, and they’re right. I’m a genuinely nice, decent, open guy. The problem is that I’m hungry all the time. I was signing a kid’s glove yesterday and for a split second, I had an overwhelming desire to pick him up and eat him. I talked to CC Sabathia about this, he’s a veteran and a champion and a lot of us younger guys look up to him. He’s also enormous just like me. I thought he’d be able to help me, but he has the exact same problem. He was signing some fan’s baby (some fans are weird) and told…
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