Tag Archive: Carrie Fisher

Divine Advice For Alden Ehrenreich

Dear Divine Advice, I think I ruined Star Wars. What should I do? Sincerely, Alden Ehrenreich Dear Alden Ehrenreich, You know what? You did ruin Star Wars. You want my advice? Go to a fuckin’ zoo and feed yourself to a Wookiee. Or a tiger—I’m so angry right now, I don’t remember which one of those is real. I created a lot of animals, but there were also blueprints for some that never got made. Over the years, I’ve gone and put some of those rejects in movie scripts. Not directly, of course. I use a process I like to call Divine Osmosis. I whisper bits of ideas to writers while they’re sleeping or drunk. I don’t pretend to be much of a writer myself—at least not until recently. I’m actually the One who wrote the screenplay for Star Wars: The Force Awakens. It wasn’t easy for me to let…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For Luke Skywalker

Dear DA, I’ve been living in a cave on a planet that might as well be Ireland. The people here are very uncomfortable with fucking, they fuck through holes in sheets like fucking Jehova’s witnesses and are basically the biggest fucking prudes ever. In 30 years I’ve gotten three, maybe four handjobs tops and that’s it. So of course my cave is filled with hardcore pornography. I would have gone completely crazy if I didn’t have all that sweet porn. While we’re being honest with ourselves, or I’m being honest with you, which includes you because I’m a nice guy, we might as well admit porn is the shit. Anyway, this cute little English chick showed up a little while ago and I really want to fuck her. Her body is an eight and I’d give her face a soft five, but her ass is a ten. It’s the kind…
Read more

Share this post: