Dear Jesus and Satan,
I’m extremely confused.
The night after my interview with Sean Hannity on Fox News, I had a wet dream about him. Now I can’t get the bastard out of my head. He’s one of the worst human beings on the planet, spewing hateful, anti-democratic ideas on a nightly basis. I know I’m supposed to hate him—I mean I do hate him, but…
You could never know how truly handsome he is until you’re sitting directly across from him. If I’m being honest, I always thought he had this Cary Grant thing going on, but the small screen doesn’t do him justice. In person, this man truly smolders.
As we talked about Zelenskyy and Putin and the Russian invasion, I noticed a half chub forming in my pants, but at the time I thought I was just nervous. The truth of the matter is I was falling in love.
Maybe not love, but lust. Is there even a difference?
Anyway, you can imagine how stressful this is for me. On one hand, I feel like I’m betraying my liberal followers by even having these dirty thoughts about this diabolical man. On the other hand, the heart wants what it wants.
I could really use your advice on this one.
The guy has the same first name as you, and given what a narcissist you are, it’s only natural that you would fall for him. That doesn’t excuse it, of course.
What you rich liberal celebrities always forget as you’re floating around the globe on a flying carpet powered by your privilege is that, after you’ve gone back to your Hollywood mansions and gold-plated sports cars, all of those starving children you kicked a soccer ball around with will completely forget you were ever there.
Zelenskyy has latched onto you only because he hopes you’ll help him convince Biden to bomb Russia. Meanwhile, the only reason Hannity is talking to you is that those smug Fox pundits get hardons from exposing how full of shit you liberal elites are.
That’s not to say that Hannity and his buddies aren’t equally full of shit. They’re actually some of my least favorite creations ever, and when they use MY name to justify xenophobia, homophobia, and economic injustice, it makes me want to start World War III myself.
In fact, I’ve really been considering this lately. I was going to tell you to steer clear of Sean Hannity, but given that you don’t have much time left on this planet, you might as well indulge in all of your twisted, deviant desires.
Just to give you an idea of Hannity’s standing down here in Hell, I have every intention of making him the middle link in the Fox News Human Centipede once he dies. He’ll be sandwiched between the dry, crusty lips of Steve Doocy and the ripe, spongy ass of Tucker Carlson. I was going to stick Bill O’Reilly in there somewhere, but after he was fired from Fox, I decided to stick him in between Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck.
This is not meant to discourage you; if fact, just the opposite. I’m simply giving you a heads-up that if you want to get with Hannity, you better do it now while you’re both still alive because once you guys are down here, you’ll be in separate torture programs. To be honest, I don’t think you’re going to miss him since you’ll be grouped with Ellen DeGeneres and Scott Baio.
So, to echo what The Man Upstairs said, act now while there is still time. Go to Sean. Tell him how you feel.
Fuck is evil brains out.
Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to firstname.lastname@example.org, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan