Am I the President now? I think I am, but there’s this little brown woman–excuse me–woman of color who keeps bossing me around, so maybe I’m the Vice President?
The woman (whoever she is) is kind of annoying, but honestly, I’m grateful. I almost went out to swear on that bible thingy without my pants on. She really let me have it for that, and I’m glad she got me to put on pants, but is it really that big of a deal? Who wears pants nowadays? I’m going to dress up to just sit in the garage and build birdhouses? That seems ridiculous to me.
The people around me keep saying I’m supposed to unite America but never tell me how. How the hell is one man supposed to unite this shithole country? You give these people masks ,and they riot. You try to give them healthcare, just like almost every country on earth, and they want to crucify you. Russia has universal healthcare! Fucking Russia! Since 1996! And those bastards are like goddamn Terminator robots, they live in igloos eating polar bears they beat to death with hammers.
All I want to do is go to Coachella and eat some mushrooms. I’m almost 80 years old, and they keep giving me these folders and updates and paperwork. Lately, I’ve been hiding in the kitchen disguised as a dishwasher. It calms me, washing all those dishes.
Joe Biden? President?
You’re preaching to the choir with what you’re saying about pants. For me, it’s either a robe or nothing; in fact, I’ve never even owned any other articles of clothing. And the way I see it, if I wrote the damn Bible while not wearing pants, then you can swear on it that way, too. I think people would have liked to see that, actually. Judging by Bernie Sander’s mittens, it was balls cold outside that day, so it’s probably better that you had clothes on. Unless you’re trying to get sick on purpose to see if you could break the record for the shortest presidency. William Henry Harrison’s 31 days will be pretty hard to beat, but if anyone can pull it off, it’s you. For all I know, you’ve already won. On a good day, your heartbeat is as slow as a hibernating frog’s, and I haven’t detected a pulse from you in days.
Fun fact: Reagan was already dead when he got elected. More American Presidents were zombies than most people think. Five of them were draculas and seven were werewolves. One of them was a unicorn. Guess which one.
—Jesus of Nazareth
Dear Sleepy Joe,
Now that you’re President, you’re going to be very busy, and I just want to let you know that I’m here to help take care of Jill’s womanly needs. To be honest I’ve been fucking her for years, most of the time while you’re right there in the same room sleeping in your separate twin bed. She would squeal like a pig, and you never woke up. Full disclosure, she’s actually the one who came up with your little nickname. I gave it to Trump to use in his campaign, but he totally fucked it up. Sorry I was working against you, but it was just business. He has a tastier soul, what can I say? Anyway, it all worked out for everyone in the end—especially for Jill, because now you’ll be out of the house more often.
I know she’s not a real doctor, but sometimes we role-play, and she puts on the outfit with no panties and the top button undone to reveal her mouthwatering cleavage. She likes to strap the blood pressure cuff around my boner and pump it up before sucking me off. She then collects a sperm sample and stirs it into your coffee. There were a few times she did that with a stool sample as well.
Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to firstname.lastname@example.org, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan