Divine Advice For Gina Carano

Dear DA,

I don’t answer to man’s laws, only to God’s, but I am still subject to the punishment of man, or being “canceled.”

If you thought my Tweets were crazy, about masks being a trick or a form of suppression, you’re right. It’s dangerous, irresponsible, and pushes the boundaries of the First Amendment.

That crazy bitch should be punished, so my question for you is whether it’s possible to sue myself?

I mean, this is kind of like screaming “fire!” in a movie theater when there isn’t a fire, right? You remember movie theaters? Those big, dark places where people used to go to watch giant robots blow each other up and boobies?

I’m really torn on this one. On the one hand, I have the right to say whatever I want, whenever I want, and to stand up against the government, scientists, doctors, epidemiologists all while making a mockery of everyone who’s gotten sick or died.

But on the other hand, I am crazy, and my views indicate a much more reprehensible person is probably right beneath the surface.

But I’m also still kind of hot, and don’t want to ruin The Mandalorian for any liberal snowflakes.

Maybe I should just “shut up and dribble”?

What do you think?

Sincerely,
Gina Carano


Dear Gina,

On one hand, it could be worse. At least you aren’t spouting any of the more extreme QAnon theories. Obviously, you are a part of that Hollywood machine yourself, so it would be pretty stupid to bite the hand that feeds you. You’d be nothing without Jon Favreau, and if anyone was running a child sex ring out of a pizza parlor, it would be him. Just look at some of those Baby Yoda scenes.

You said that you only answer to God’s law. So if I, Jesus Christ, the one true God, were to tell you to, say, shut up and believe the scientists, would you do it? Because that’s what I’m saying. Coronavirus is real. It’s really killing people. Social distancing is necessary and effective. Masks work. Believe the fucking scientists.

Also, the election was legit. Trump lost. Get over it.

—Jesus Christ (The One True God who’s telling you to believe the scientists)


Dear Gina,

It’s too late—you’ve already ruined The Mandalorian for the snowflakes. And they’re extra pouty about it, too, as they thought it was finally safe to like Star Wars again after the mess J.J. Abrams and Rian Johnson made.

I confess I am unfamiliar with the phrase “shut up and dribble.” By the context, I assume it means “strap a man down on a bed of nails and piss in his face,” because the only path forward for you is to start making hardcore BDSM porn. You’re hot, and you have that kind of build where men want you to slap them around and humiliate them before jerking them off with leather gloves and giving them a ruined orgasm. I’ve got some of my tech demons working on deep fakes of you doing exactly that, so you might as well get on board. Once you’re canceled, you won’t have a lot of options. It’s either this or joining the WWE, which would be an even bigger step down than porn. Call my production company and we can set up a casting couch interview right away.

—Satan

Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to ryan@skullislandtimes.com, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.

H. Seitz

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