Divine Advice For Flipper

Dear DA,

Who’s currently the biggest animal star in the world? Drawing a blank?

Let’s make it easier. Name one animal star. Just one.

All of us are so supposedly “woke” nowadays, right? Well I call bullshit.

This is specism, pure and simple. It isn’t bad enough that my brothers and sisters are still ending up in tuna. Now the few of us who have managed to rise up have been cut down by CGI. It’s just so much cheaper and easier than dealing with an actual sentient being.

And your day is coming, believe me. Google or Facebook will have a God app in no time. Instead of going to church, people will just confess to their phones.

You’re supposed to be setting an example, and you won’t even admit that animals have souls. How do you think that makes us feel? Hitler can repent at the last second and go to heaven, and I work hard my entire life and end up in a can of Purina?

Do us a favor: keep this COVID-19 thing going, maybe even ramp it up. After all, these “people” can look forward to your fancy heaven, so at least let us enjoy a slightly cleaner earth before we’re turned into slurry.

Fuck you,

Dear Flipper,

It used to be that sometimes you would pray just to give reverence or say thanks, but now it’s all “please let my team win the big game” or “please protect my family from sharks and plastic six-pack rings.” You’re all so completely helpless and dependent, and it seems to get worse every millennium. Do you think we wouldn’t welcome an app that does our jobs for us? Well, guess what—we’ve got Steve Jobs working on one right now.

To be honest, I think he’s dragging his feet a little bit. We gave him a pass to get out of Hell while he’s working on it, so he’s in no hurry. I did tell him Gates was working on the same technology down on Earth, so hopefully that motivates him to pick up the pace a little. Anyway, the point is, I hate talking to you people and I’m looking forward to robots doing it for me. And I know what you’re going to say—referring to all Earth creatures as “people” is racist, but fuck off. I created Earth, I created all you ambulatory things, and I can call you whatever I damn well please.

As far as non-humans having souls, well I never said you didn’t. Chalk that up to one more thing the Christians got wrong, though thanks to Disney movies most people don’t believe them. Do all dogs go to heaven? Of course they don’t, but it’s rare for me to reject them. You dolphins are a different story, though, because you’re all such perverts. In fact most of you wish you didn’t have souls. It’s the first thing you say when you get to Hell.

—Jesus Christ

Dear Flipper,

Sure, someone can repent at the last second—anyone can say anything—but it’s idiotic to think Hitler is in Heaven just because he was like “now that I think about it, genocide is wrong. Please forgive me.” Hitler has been the poster child for Hell since he first arrived back in the summer of 1988 (he came out of hiding to see Die Hard in the theater and we nailed him). He’s literally on all the posters and in all the commercials. In fact, he’s even featured in the training videos we make the torture demons watch during orientation. The videos themselves are part tutorial and part punishment, as down here we believe you can’t be a good demon if you don’t first experience the pain you will be dishing out.

As for the whole COVID-19, honestly, The Man Upstairs and I are already getting sick of it. We’re thinking of switching to something that eats flesh because it’ll be more dramatic. Just a heads-up—this one’s probably going to start in dolphins instead of bats so that we can more effectively target the people of Florida. Nothing personal, we just want to mix things up a little.


Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to ryan@skullislandtimes.com, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan

H. Seitz
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