Do you remember my sex scandal or whatever it was? Neither do I. The problem with these things is that they’re too many of them, it’s difficult to keep track and some of us get lost in the shuffle. But it’s better that 100 guilty men go free than one innocent man is punished. Or something like that, but I think they were talking about hanging people back then.
Another problem, especially with guys like me, is that you kind of blame the victim. You can’t help it. I look douchey enough that you take one look at me and think yeah, she should’ve seen that one coming. It’s like when they show domestic disputes on Cops. You feel sorry for the woman until you see her boyfriend is some shirtless drunk hick with a mullet (they’re always shirtless). She saw that guy and decided he was boyfriend material. The mullet, the empties on the porch, the rusty old beater up on blocks in the yard, the skinny brown dog chained to a tree who’s constantly barking, the fat toothless mom he’s “taking care of” who lives in the attic, the half inflated kiddie pool that also has empties floating in it, the Confederate flag hanging in his bedroom next to his Dokken poster. You look at all this stuff, at all of these warning signs, and you can’t help blaming her, and you kind of should blame her.
We’re all adults here. Some of us have terrible judgment, and those people should be blamed for it, or at least have it drilled into their heads. He should be blamed for doing whatever awful thing he did, like probably punching her or trying to beat her with a stick (these people are always trying to beat each other with sticks or belts), and she should be blamed for being so stupid.
The worst thing about these domestic disputes is that if you see a guy like that hitting a girl like that and you try to break it up, the girl immediately turns on you. The second the cops have the guy in cuffs, she starts crying and begging them to set him loose. Sometimes she even attacks them and starts slapping at them with a stick.
Anyway, my question. I almost forgot to ask. A lot of people seem to be forgetting to ask questions lately.
I was going to ask about myself, about what my scandal was (I really can’t remember), but honestly, who cares?
What I really want to know is why so many people are so stupid? I was going to add evil and angry to my question, but I think that stupidity is at the root of most of it. So many people seem oblivious to just how sad and awful they are. I mean seriously, a mullet and a Confederate flag? And a Dokken poster? And that guy has a girlfriend? And that girl has a boyfriend? (And yes, she was thin and splotchy with stringy blonde hair, and dressed in acid-washed jorts and a stained white tube top). You must realize how depressing this is on so many levels. Like for a decent, intelligent guy who just can’t get a woman to even look at him, or for a cute, smart girl who for some reason, nobody is interested in. Not just romantically, just not interested in at all.
If you exist, you are at least somewhat responsible for this state of affairs. I mean maybe you just wind us up and we do what we do. I get free will and all of that. But a little guidance and intervention every now and then might be helpful. Even if you’re already doing that, maybe consider doing it just a little bit more.
Anyway, my question stands. Just give me some kind of hint or aphorism or even one of those Tibetan riddles or koans. I just want to know why, man. What the hell is the point of all of this? And if there is no point, why not make it better? If there was at least some kind of a meaning to all of this, your lack of involvement, or hostile indifference, might be defensible. But if there’s no meaning anyway, why does life have to be such a fucking nightmare? Why not give us waterslides or soulmates or at least get rid of tooth decay. I mean come on, man.
Dear Casey Affleck,
I seem to remember you on an old cover of the Improper Bostonian with a caption that read “The Good Affleck.” That was sometime after your brother embarrassed himself with alcoholism and Reindeer Games and sometime before he redeemed himself in that Mike Judge movie Extract. These days, most people would agree there is no “good Affleck.
Do you know what’s worse than blaming the victim? Blaming God. The fact is, I wasn’t even there when you did all that stuff. Sure, I can be everywhere at once, but there are some places I like to avoid. I don’t like hanging around movie sets, for instance, unless either The Rock or Allison Janney are in the picture. In my opinion, those two are the best of the best. According to Wikipedia, all the bad stuff you did happened on movie sets, so that’s my excuse for not knowing what you did. As for your comment about wanting more guidance, you can fuck off. I already packed all the guidance you could ever need into a little 80’s TV show called Highway to Heaven. It’s not my fault you’ve chosen not to watch it.
—Jesus the Frustrated
You ruffled some feathers with all the sexual harassment stuff, but you really crossed a line when you disrespected Dokken. For that, you will be punished severely. I’m going to have Ted Kennedy jerk you off until you’re fully erect, dip your cock in chocolate sauce and then cover it with angry fire ants. Meanwile, as you can probably guess, I will be shoving cobras into your rectum. All the members of Dokken will be invited to watch a live feed of the festivities, and I will be honoring any suggestions they may have.
—Satan the (hopefully) new bass player for Dokken
Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to email@example.com, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.