Dear Divine Advice,
I think I ruined Star Wars. What should I do?
Dear Alden Ehrenreich,
You know what? You did ruin Star Wars. You want my advice? Go to a fuckin’ zoo and feed yourself to a Wookiee. Or a tiger—I’m so angry right now, I don’t remember which one of those is real.
I created a lot of animals, but there were also blueprints for some that never got made. Over the years, I’ve gone and put some of those rejects in movie scripts. Not directly, of course. I use a process I like to call Divine Osmosis. I whisper bits of ideas to writers while they’re sleeping or drunk. I don’t pretend to be much of a writer myself—at least not until recently. I’m actually the One who wrote the screenplay for Star Wars: The Force Awakens. It wasn’t easy for me to let J.J. Abrams put his name on it, let me tell you. Especially since he refuses to acknowledge me as his Lord and Savior. But I’m not One to hold a grudge. Obviously I used to be quite smitey and grudgey, but I’ve mellowed out a little over the years. Anyway, J.J. and I decided it would be better if I didn’t get a credit. We figured people would be pissed that I was wasting time writing screenplays while the world is falling to shit. IMDB credits or not, I’m pretty fuckin’ proud of that movie. And that’s why I’m so pissed off you ruined the franchise.
After those shitty prequels, long-time fans had lost all faith in The Creator, George Lucas. And then with that Disney sale, fans got even more disillusioned. That’s when I realized it was up to me. Were there earthquakes and hurricanes that could have used my attention? Sure. But saving Star Wars couldn’t wait. It took me 6 whole days to write that thing (literally 6 days, not the figurative amount of time it took me to create the universe) but when I was done, I knew I had something special. I had written it to reflect how casual adult fans have come to project modern sensibilities onto movies they’ve watched but haven’t really paid attention to since they were 7 years olds. And the best part? NO JAR JAR BINKS!!! The movie was a huge hit, of course, and the fans had their faith restored. Then came Rogue One, which was another ace. Even with the ill-timed Carrie Fisher CGI. I didn’t write that one, but it was my idea to kill everybody. That’s part of that “modern sensibility” I mentioned earlier. People are cynical.
Even after Rian Johnson fucked everything up with The Last Jedi, a Han Solo movie should have been a slam-dunk. People love Han Solo and they wanted to see him as a smuggler who shoots first and makes up his own rules as he goes along. It isn’t 100% your fault that it flopped but fans were not on board with the casting even before they saw that first lame trailer. It turned out to be even worse than anyone imaged of course, and now Disney has pulled the plug on all spin-offs. That really sucks for those of us who wanted an Obi-Wan Kenobi movie. Not only that, but I had just finished a draft of a buddy cop screenplay featuring IG-88 and Bossk.
Harrison Ford doesn’t have blue eyes. Little details like that really get under my skin. They make me want to burn cities to the ground. I should punish you for your crime against culture, but I think Hollywood will probably take care of that for me. I hope you like waiting tables.
—Jesus the Angry Fan/Screenwriter
Dear Alden Ehrenreich,
I don’t think I can help you here, as I’m not really a Star Wars guy. I’ve always been more of a Trekkie myself because there’s slightly more sex in Star Trek. I remember seeing ads when Return of the Jedi was coming out, and they had that shot of Leia in her sexy slave outfit. I thought for sure she was going to fuck that giant slug guy with the wide mouth. Imagine my disappointment when all she does is choke him out with her chains. Still sexy, but, not what I was hoping for. Being let down like that killed what little interest I had in Star Wars. I never got around to seeing the prequels and I certainly haven’t bothered with the latest sequels and spin-offs. I have been listening to the latest Hollywood buzz, though, and it does indeed look like your career is over. Don’t let it get you down, I’m sure you’ll find something. In fact, I’m starting a new porn studio right here in LA and I could use a decent fluffer. Hell, with those baby blues, I might even let you in front of the camera once in a while. Obviously, I know how small your cock is, but we can maybe use you as a cuck in a cuckolding fetish movie. The humiliation of the cuck resonates better when the cuck has a micropenis.
—Satan the Auteur
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