Dear Divine Advice,
I have been carrying a huge burden for many years, and it’s time to finally come clean. Once when I was working on “Who’s the Boss”, I smoked a marijuana cigarette. I know, I know….it’s awful, and I am so upset about it. It was right before one of my typical coke-filled orgies with Judith Light and Katherine Helmond, you know “Angela” and “Mona”. Man, I have so many wonderful memories of those gang-bang sessions. Since we were all married at the time, it was even more exciting, and I liked to force the camera folks to record our sessions, just to save the moment. For some reason, Mrs. Rossini…yes, I forget her real name, stumbled upon our session that day, and I believe it was Judith that suggested we chop her up and throw her into the ocean. I’m not sure if it was the cocaine or the marijuana, but I knew it was the right thing to do. I can still remember her blood-curdling screams as the three of us hacked her up….talk about intense! What a rush that day was….just in case you were wondering where the character of Mrs. Rossini went….well now you know!!! (Lol)
Anyways, I’m really upset about the marijuana cigarette. I’ll say a few Hail Mary’s, Rosaries, or whatever you need me to. Thanks for understanding.
Dear Mr. Danson,
Who’s the Boss was my absolute favorite show in the 80’s. The chemistry you had with Judith Light and eventually Kirstie Alley was amazing, but my favorite moments were when you would reminisce about being a relief pitcher for the Boston Red Sox while Normie and Cliff pounded beers. I also liked when Coach and eventually Woody would say dumb things—the former because he was senile and the latter because he was from the dumb Midwest where everybody’s dumb. And that Katherine Helmond, what a sassy waitress she was! Did you know she’s married to Danny DeVito in real life? True story.
Anyway, on to your question. Unfortunately, the Hail Marys and the Rosaries no longer cut it when it comes to punishment. Turns out those things aren’t much of a deterrent for most sins. I mean really, how long does it take to say a few prayers and hold a bunch of plastic beads? I don’t know what I was thinking for all those years. Now, my Dad, he knew how to punish people. Fire and brimstone, turning people into salt and all that. Don’t worry, I’m not going to turn you into a pillar of salt—I don’t have to do things exactly like Dad did—but things are going to get pretty uncomfortable for you. I’m afraid I’m going to need you to cram an 8-foot long cobra into your ass, then remove it slowly inch-by-inch. For every inch, you’re going to say 12 “Our Fathers” and 12 “Hail Marys” and recite all the lyrics to R. Kelly’s Trapped in the Closet 12 times. After that, though, you and I are good. I look forward to hearing all your stories about being on the set of Who’s the Boss.
—Jesus the Fan
Dear Tony Danza,
It’s always a little awkward when it falls on The Devil to correct The Man Upstairs, but it appears he’s gotten you confused with Ted Danson. I’m assuming it’s because you have the same initials, but that doesn’t explain why he seems to have mixed up Judith Light with Shelley Long, Katherine Helmond with Rhea Perlman and the show Who’s The Boss with Cheers. I’m not sure what to make of this, and honestly, I’m a little scared. Lately, he’s been talking an awful lot about The End Times and I’m wondering if that has anything to do with his foggy memory when it comes to 80’s sitcoms. I mean, he’s really focused on the Apocalypse. I’m also concerned about the new direction his punishments have taken. I get that he wants to be stricter, but cobras up the rectum? That’s my thing! And here he is trying to pass it off as his own idea. Anyway, it looks like that’s what you’ve got in store for you. Look at the bright side, though. At least you’ll only have to deal with the cobra the one time. Down here in Hell, the cobras would be part of your daily routine, but it looks like you’ll be going to Heaven instead. I guess Jesus can still be an old softy sometimes.
—Satan the Concerned
Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to firstname.lastname@example.org, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.