Ever since I was a small child growing up in South Africa I’ve always wanted to get off this planet. Nowadays, I want to leave even more.
NASA frustrates me. The public and the government frustrate me. They have this ridiculous obsession with bringing everyone back alive that’s been holding us back for decades. Even now, with my own spaceships, I’m faced with the same obstacle.
I’ve made my ships safer, but people are still afraid to go up. I’ve tried calling these people cowards and that didn’t work either. I even tried triple-dog-daring them to go to Mars, but the psychologists decided that anyone who took the dare is too crazy to make decisions for themselves.
My cold robotic intellect tells me that if I can’t leave the earth, my only other option is to destroy it. You’d think it be easy to do. Humanity is basically doing it already. But it’s a lot trickier than you might think.
I invented an enormous fleet of robotic cars that run on electricity. I figured they would go rogue and eat all of the electricity, leaving humanity in ruins, but the cars are cowards, too. And now they’re actually helping to reduce pollution.
So maybe I should just try to save the world, but if I don’t get to launch people at Mars, well, what’s the point? The way things are now, I can’t even launch dogs or chimps. PETA would crucify me.
We’re all going to die anyway, so what’s so bad about dying on an exploding spaceship? Or of autoerotic asphyxiation on Mars? Yes, I can make sure it’s at least erotic. That I totally get.
(triple-dog-daring you right now to go to Mars)
Dear Elon Musk,
It’s pretty condescending of you to tell me how hard it is to destroy the Earth. Haven’t you been reading this column lately? That’s all I’ve been talking about. And yes, as I said last week, robots are going to be involved. But you don’t need to worry your giant-size head about it, as I’ve got it all worked out. And leave Mars alone, too, will ya? That’s Ground Zero for my own new “life’ project once Earth is dead. If you really need to live on Mars, I suggest building a compound out in Death Valley. Wear 3-D glasses all the time, and it’ll seem pretty much exactly like Mars. Especially at night in winter. I’ll bet you can even trick a couple of eccentric billionaires to come along with you. They’ve never been to Mars, how will they know the difference? And then you can have a nice little cult out in the desert. Isn’t that all you really ever wanted? If you get bored, or sick of the billionaires, you can load them into a rocket and launch them into space for real. The world won’t miss them.
—Jesus the Annoyed
Dear Elon Musk,
Triple-dog-daring The Devil is never a good idea. It usually goes down like this: You triple-dog-dare me as a way to goad me into doing something risky that you think I otherwise wouldn’t do. But then I come back with a counter offer, saying “well, I’ll do that if you do (insert stunt that is extremely dangerous for mortals).” Then I proceed to do what you asked (in this case, going to Mars) because I’m The Devil and can pretty much do anything. So now you’re stuck doing the thing I requested, which in this case, is lying naked in the sands of Death Valley for 24 hours straight in the middle of August staring at the sun while scorpions pinch your dick and sidewinders crawl in and out of your asshole. I’m game if you are. You go first.
—Lucifer The Tricky
Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to firstname.lastname@example.org, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.