Divine Advice For Jennifer Lawrence

Dear DA,

My cat is slut-shaming me, and I don’t know what to do about it. I’m at my wit’s end. My cat’s name is Fluffy, she’s a good cat, she got pregnant once before I got her fixed so she should understand that these things happen, but she’s been such a bitch lately.

I went out with Ron, who’s a pretty nice guy, it was our first date. Yes, I had sex with him, no big deal, it’s 2017, right? But when I got home, Fluffy kept judging me, she stared at me, like I was a whore. I told her it wasn’t polite to slut shame me like that and she just kept staring at me.

I woke up the next morning and Fluffy was sitting my chest, staring at me. She opened her mouth and meowed at me, and I swear to God, the meow sounded like the word “whore.” Then she jumped off of me, then back on me, then off again, then on again, like she was making a point, that I was such a whore, that’s just how easy it is, hop on, hop off.

A few days later, I went out with Mike, who’s a really great guy. We were about to have sex, but I couldn’t do it. I tried to explain to him about Fluffy, that I didn’t want her judging me, and now he thinks I’m crazy.

When I got home, Fluffy meowed “whore” at me again! I can’t win with her, and it’s affecting my love life. What should I do?

Jennifer Lawrence

Jennifer Lawrence,

It should come as no big surprise, but I’m siding with Fluffy on this one. It’s called “slut shaming” for a reason: slutting is shameful. Sexual intercourse should be reserved for two people who are married in the eyes of the lord. I’ve recently conceded to be unspecific about gender, but I’m not caving any further on this. No rock, no sex. You used to be such a sweet, innocent girl—wide-eyed, big smile, always tripping over your long, conservative dress. I think the problem is you’ve been hanging out with that Schumer girl too much. Well, let me tell you the truth about Amy Schumer. The reason she parties so hard and fucks so much is that she has a low self-esteem. She’s a butter face and she knows it. Guys only get with her because they know she’s easy and will open her legs for a Snickers bar. She’s the fun-house mirror reflection of you, with a huge ass, a flabby stomach, and a bulbous distorted head. Don’t be fooled by her pretenses of friendship. She’s purposely trying to corrupt you because she’s jealous. She sees how men look at you with respect and admiration, and it makes her furious.

Let me tell you something else about Amy Schumer. She’s about to get what’s coming to her in the form of a brand new STD. I call it the “Violet Beauregard” because it will turn that already fat bitch Schumer into a giant blue sphere, making her incapable of walking or leaving the house. Also, her pussy will literally shoot out flames when she tries to pee. She will be even more hideous than she is now if that’s even possible. You should consider this fair warning—if you follow in her footsteps, you will share her fate. Listen to your cat, not your plump blonde “friend.”

—Jesus the Hard-ass

Jennifer Lawrence,

I think you’ve grossly misinterpreted what your cat was trying to say. See, cats often have problems with consonants at the beginning of words. What sounded to you like “whore” really was the word “more.” Fluffy was trying to encourage you to be even sluttier after your fling with Ron (Jeremy, I’m assuming) and was disappointed when you decided not to fuck Mike (Tyson, I’m assuming). I think what she really wants is for you to fuck both of them at the same time while she watches from atop your dresser and masturbates. If you want my advice, I say you should listen to her.

While we’re on the subject of you becoming even sluttier, I’d like to address the fact that you have not yet shown your tits in a movie. What gives? Your fans have been clamoring for it since the first Hunger Games. Honestly, the fact that you’ve kept those glorious mounds bottled up this whole time makes you kind of a bitch. No worries, though, it’s not too late. Maybe you’ve just been waiting for the right role, wondering if your cans should make their first public appearance in either a raunchy college sex romp or some classy art film. Well, you’re in luck because I’ve just written a script that’s a little bit of both. It’s called The Slutty Artist and it’s about a young freshman in art school that’s really hot but people don’t realize it at first because she wears glasses. She gets a job as a nude model at her school and suddenly all her classmates want to fuck her. But she’s more mature than her peers, so she ends up fucking her teachers instead. To make you more comfortable, I was thinking of casting someone you’ve fucked in real life as your teacher—Ron Jeremy. Sure, he’s not the greatest actor, but he has a 9-inch cock. Is that a lot for a human? I don’t even know. Anyway, the scene I wrote for the two of you is hot but tasteful. Think Billy Bob Thornton and Halle Berry in Monster’s Ball, but with actual penetration. I’ve got a little deal worked out with someone in the MPAA and I’ll be able to get this flick an “R” rating no matter what. So yeah, I’ve already sent a copy of the script to your agent. When you get it, look it over. No pressure. Full disclosure, though—your agent is really going to push for you to do this. She sort of owes me a favor.

—Satan the Artist

Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to ryan@skullislandtimes.com, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.

H. Seitz
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