Dear Jesus and Satan,
It’s me again. I was the one who wrote you a few months back about Mona from Who’s the Boss and Blanche from the Golden Girls. To be honest, I don’t remember your advice, all I know is that I have been feveriously masterbating to the thought of both of them. Honestly, I’m proud of myself….Ive been doing a good job of alternating my fantasies between Mona and Blanche. I thought you’d be proud…I’m rambling. Anyways. I was reading the last entry regarding Tom Cruise, and I have a great idea. Remember when he starred in “Losin It” in 1983? With Shelley Long? Why did Hollywood go away with the loveable concept of young guys who just want to get some? What the Fuck happened? Those movies were all so good? Who’s to blame for this? Is it the Scientologists??? See what I did there? I’m keeping the thread going on Scientology…I know you love those fuckballs.
Anyways, what if Tom Cruise and Shelley Long got back together and starred in “Losin it…Again”. This time Tom Cruise tracks down a much older Shelley Long and has a very very graphic sex scene. Because the Scientologists have so much power, they can force the Motion Picture Society to make it rated “PG”. Tom Cruise needs a Real comeback, and only God knows what happened to Shelley Long. Jesus, does your Dad know what happened to Shelley Long? Let’s be honest, the world kinda sucks right now, and I think we all need to see a graphic Shelley Long and Tom Cruise sex scene. (Like really Graphic) Can you guys pull a few strings?
Dear Fingers Crossed,
It’s quite a coincidence that you brought up the idea to make a sequel to Losin’ It. And by “coincidence”, I meant I put that idea in your head because there’s no such thing as coincidence, there’s just my divine will. I wanted you to bring it up so I could have an excuse to talk about it without seeming vain. Which is just an inside joke because I can never be vain because I’m infallible and all-powerful and everything I do is exactly as it should be. Anyway, back to the Losin’ It sequel, which I’m calling Losin’ Even More of It, which is much better than the title you came up with because I’m God. I’ve actually been working on a script for a little while now and it’s almost done. In my version, the Tom Cruise character contracts a brand-new STD called Vanishing Dong. Once one contracts VD, their dick begins to get smaller and smaller until one day it’s gone. Currently this is a fictional disease, but I’m considering releasing into the world for real as a way of promoting the film once it’s done. Not sure if it’ll be just the stars of the movie I give it to or all of Mankind—that’ll depend on our marketing budget, but we’ll see. OK, back to the plot of the movie. So the Tom Cruise character has an encounter with Lord Xenu’s daughter Trixie and, as a result, contracts this new space disease. When he comes back to earth, he soon sees that his dick is starting to shrink. His wife, Shelley Long is none too pleased, as you can imagine. She tries to be supportive, but as the dick gets smaller and smaller, she finds it difficult not to cheat on him.
OK, so that’s actually all I have so far. I was lying before when I said it was almost done, but it’s not really a lie because I’m God and everything I say is the truth no matter what. Anyway, when the movie is finally done, it’s going to be epic. Siskel and Ebert have already given it two thumbs up. Those guys are living like kings up here, so it’s the least they could do. I’ve also had them retroactively give the original Losin’ It better reviews to make people excited about the sequel. Check the Chicago Sun and Chicago Tribune archives—you’ll see.
Confession: I’ve never actually seen Losin’ It and I have no idea if my sequel is going to make sense. I may have to retroactively change the original so it fits with what I’m working on. So if you like Losin’ It as-is, you better watch it while you can. Meanwhile, get ready for the greatest movie-watching experience of your life. Losin’ Even More of It is going to change the world.
P.S. Don’t worry—you’ll get your graphic sex scene between Shelley Long and Tom Cruise. And as a bonus, it will also involve Trixie (Xenu’s daughter) played by the lovely Sandy Duncan.
Dear Fingers Crossed,
You brought up something that causes me great anger, which I will now rant about. The Motion Picture Association of America is so evil that it makes my hordes of demons look like an army of Dalmatian puppies. Do you remember a time when PG-13 meant you might actually see a nipple? Well, I do, and that was a golden age of cinema, let me tell you. Hell, in the original Total Recall, you actually got three nipples for the price of two! I’m not sure what’s gotten up America’s ass, but it totally sucks. The MPAA is made up of the stupidest, most prudish incest-loving Evolution deniers in the world. Their sole purpose is to destroy fun by keeping sex out of movies. And let me tell you, when they all finally die and come to Hell (which they will, on account of all the sheep-fucking they engage in), I’ve got a special torture planned. I’m going to lock them all in a room and force them to watch the scene where Jennifer Jason Leigh loses her virginity in Fast Times At Ridgemont High over and over again for all eternity. And I will remove their eyelids and strap their heads down so they can’t look away. Also, there will be a flaming-hot fire poker in each of their asses the whole time. Maybe I’ll switch it up and show some of the gruesome werewolf fuck scenes from The Howling II: Your Sister is a Werewolf. Anyway, don’t you worry—these prudish fuckers are going to pay dearly for all the dongs, tits and asses they’ve deprived us of over the years. My eyes are glowing red just thinking about it!
—Lucifer the Vengeful
Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to firstname.lastname@example.org, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.