Dear Divine Advice,
I would like to end my life, but I still want to be allowed into heaven. What exactly constitutes suicide? Blowing my brains out would obviously be suicide, but what about jaywalking or buying a motorcycle and just waiting for the inevitable? If I got so used to jaywalking that I wasn’t even thinking about suicide when I finally got creamed, would that still be suicide? And if it’s all about intent, what about people who attempt suicide and fail? Do they go to hell if they forget to ask for forgiveness before they die naturally, assuming they’ve lived an otherwise decent life? Or what about a fat guy who’s doctor tells him he’s going to die if he doesn’t stop eating pork rinds, but he keeps eating them anyway even though he knows his doctor is probably right? What happens to him when he dies?
Last question, what about a guy who can’t stop screaming the word “monkeys!”? Assuming that guy toughed it out and didn’t commit suicide, would you really want a guy like that hanging around heaven for eternity?
Dear Matt Damon,
You’re talking to the master of the suicide loophole here. If you think about it, that’s basically what I did by allowing the Romans to crucify me. I have all these freakin’ superpowers and yet I let them beat me and nail me to a cross. I could have turned them all into toads without breaking a sweat, but I just sat there and took it. I was able to convince my dad/myself that it didn’t really count as suicide I because I knew I was going to be resurrected. Anyway I have a suggestion for you. Did you ever see that movie Dead Man on Campus starring Zack Morris from Saved By the Bell? The plot of the film centers around a couple of idiot college friends who realize they’re failing out of school and become desperate to find an easy fix. It turns out there’s a clause in the school charter that states if your roommate commits suicide, you automatically pass the semester. So they set out to find someone who’s planning on killing themselves anyway. In your case, I think you should find a roommate who’s probably already a murderer and then just be really annoying until he kills you. It’s not always easy to tell if someone’s a murderer, but I suggest hanging out in fancy Italian restaurants cruising for mobsters. Some of the newbie enforcers who haven’t been made yet don’t always have the money to live on their own so they might be looking for a roommate. And they’ll also be looking to prove themselves to their bosses, so they’ll be itching to take someone out. That someone could be you. Plus, in the meantime, you’ll probably get to eat a lot of free spaghetti.
—Jesus the Zombie
Dear Good Will Hunting,
Why would you even want to go to Heaven in the first place? We have way more fun down here. There are so many dead hot hookers to fuck. Sure, you get painful STD’s that I designed especially for torture, but it’s worth it. Just ask Roger Ailes. And once you resign yourself to an eternity in Hell, it really opens up your suicide possibilities. I mean you could dip your dong in honey and wander naked in a bear cave. Wouldn’t that be a hoot? Or you could just fuck regular Earth hookers and catch regular Earth STDs. Or maybe lick a poisoned toad. You have so many options that the hard part will be just picking one. Anyway, see you soon. Tell Batfleck I said “hi.”
Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to firstname.lastname@example.org, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.