This week’s Divine Advice was submitted by one of our readers.
Dear Divine Advice,
Amy Poehler is not Sexy. What can I do?
Dear Very Confused,
I’m not sure why you capitalized the “S” in sexy, but I get what you’re saying. The reason I decided to make her unsexy is I was just sick of everyone thinking that blond chicks had to be sexy all the time. For once, I wanted to make a blond that was appreciated for her mind and sense of humor instead of her looks. Ha, I’m kidding, of course. She’s not smart or funny either. To be honest, I let the “baby Jesus” version of myself make her, and that was just the best he could do. Hey, cut the lil’ guy some slack—he’s still learnin’. Anyway, you asked what you can do. Not much really, except…well, this is going to sound strange coming from me but…if you wouldn’t mind masturbating to Amy Poehler’s picture once in a while, it would do wonders for her self-esteem. I know, I know—I’m usually against that sort of thing. But in this case, I really think it would help. Do what ever you can do make it work. If you Google “naked Amy Poehler,” you’ll see a lot of Photoshopped images that actually look pretty decent. It’s never her real body, but they do a pretty good compositing job. Boy, if only I could do in real life what these artists can do with Photoshop, this world would be a much better place. Anyway, yeah, try it. Google. Wank. Enjoy. And I’ll make sure she knows it’s happening so her confidence will go through the roof. Once she feels more attractive, she’ll be more attractive. Then everybody wins.
—Jesus The Creator
Dear Very Confused,
I couldn’t disagree more. In fact, I happen to think Amy gets sexier and sexier every single day of her life. The truth is, I’m actually her baby daddy. My voice just happens to sound an awful lot like Will Arnett’s, and one time right before they were about to fuck, I conked him out with a candlestick holder and took his place between her legs. She was blindfolded at the time, so she didn’t know what was happening until she realized that the sex was way better than usual. After she came all over my D, she took off her blindfold and saw it was me who had fucked her so good. Needless to say, she divorced Will Arnett the very next day, and Amy and I have been knockin’ boots ever since. Sure, her tits aren’t as nice as Tina Fey’s or Chris Farley’s, but Amy Poehler’s quite a vixen let me tell you. And she likes it dirty—real dirty. Once time she made me play “human centipede” with her and Alec Baldwin. Yeah, that’s right—I ate a log of Alec Baldwin’s shit. It wasn’t awesome, to be honest, but I promised Amy I’d indulge her on her birthday, and I’m a man of my word. Anyway, as I was saying, Amy Poehler is super sexy and you’re an idiot for thinking otherwise.
—Satan the Lover
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